Days of Nightmares
by EK
Summary: COMPLETE. When new peace in his life leaves Kenshin open to disturbing thoughts, he turns to a rather dangerous way out. It is up to Kaoru to tell him so, and to keep him from it.
1. Chapter 1

This idea has been running in my head for a few weeks, and refused to go away. Samurai X Reflections (the English Seisou Hen) just made it worse. This will be serious, but I hope you read it all the same.  
  
...................................  
  
"You look terrible, Himura," he greeted.  
  
Kenshin sat at the chair in front of Saitou's desk, but said nothing.  
  
"Has the raccoon been feeding you?" he prodded as he filed away stacks of papers.  
  
"Kaoru-dono is fine, thank you for asking, Saitou," Kenshin finally answered after a long delay staring at nothing. "But, why did you want me?"  
  
Saitou raised an eyebrow. This was not the Himura he was expecting. Tired, wan, pale-faced. And sighing once every minute. He did not understand.  
  
The worst was over. Everything was back to normal in Tokyo. The houses and buildings destroyed by Kujiranami's rampage were now standing again. Reconstruction of the precinct was also complete. The last time he checked, the Kamiya dojo had also been repaired. No sign of the battles waged there were left. A search had been made around Tokyo Bay for the escapee Yukishiro Enishi. It had been fruitless. Everyone involved in the case had agreed it would be pointless to search any further. Everyone chose, in each his own way, to forget, and to move on.  
  
So did Himura, it seemed. Generally, he seemed happier now than he was over the past few weeks. He smiled more often, and did not discuss the events from that time. Thus, he did not understand what the redhead would be losing sleep over. From the way the man looked, it seemed like he had not slept well for more than a week.  
  
"Get some sleep, Himura," Saitou muttered his advice as he shuffled papers. "You look as bad as some of the opium addicts we've been catching nowadays." He looked up at him with a smirk. "You sure you're not one of them?"  
  
Kenshin gave him one of his absent-minded "Oro?" looks, then it dawned on him. "Opium?! NO, Saitou!"  
  
His face was so sincerely adamant, Saitou could not help but chuckle. "You take life too seriously, Battousai." He walked to where Kenshin sat, and patted him on the shoulder as he walked to the door. "It can wait for another day. Go home to the raccoon. Go rest. Before I send you as undercover agent to the opium dens!" He then left him alone in the room.  
  
But Saitou's office was very quiet, and rather stuffy. It was quite conducive to afternoon naps, which was probably why the policemen exited for a while. Also, the chair was high, upholstered in leather at the backrest and elbow rests, as well as the seat. Before Kenshin could stop it, his head began to nod, and his eyes dropped. Soon he was asleep on the chair.  
  
He did not want to be asleep.  
  
For some time it was dark all around him, then he heard frantic screams from just around a corner. Yells of "Fire! Fire!" was passed from house to house. Then someone came running toward him, shouting wildly. "Miyama is dead! Miyama is dead!" Then, more shouts about a fire.  
  
He found himself standing at one of the main streets of Kyoto.  
  
His red hair hidden in a large straw cap, nobody recognized him, especially in the general panic. He let the people pass around him, planted where he stood. He knew how he was trained, but this overwhelmed his sensibilities.  
  
He heard two people talking loudly as they passed. Miyama had just been assassinated, very smoothly. No one saw who did it. But when as the man fell, he dropped a candle and started a blaze in the room where he was found.  
  
He walked, first slowly, then faster and faster, until he ran to the burning house. "No......NO!" he shouted, as he saw the burning house.  
  
He saw the smoke mix with a yellow blaze just a few meters before him. People assembled a bucket brigade around him, while others screamed for relatives still inside, and family members cried aloud for their loss. "Who could have done this?" he heard one person cry out. He knew who caused the conflagration. He did.  
  
It was not supposed to be like this. It was supposed to be a clean kill, of only one man. It was not supposed to lead to the death of many others and loss of property.

He gaped in silence as buckets passed from man to man, as a final man threw water over the fire. He even felt the water splash at his face. He saw men charge inside, as fiery planks of wood threatened to fall over the men.

"Get out!" he called to them. "Get out right now!"  
  
But just then he heard a deep rumbling close to his ear. "Wake up, idiot!" He felt another splash of water across his face.  
  
He opened his eyes and saw that he was back in Saitou's office, Saitou with knit brows and an empty glass in one hand. He found his own hands stretched out in front of him, still calling to men who just disappeared from view. He lowered them slowly, and brought them to his face as he wiped away the cool water, some of it dripping from his hair.  
  
"If you had dozed quietly, I might not have done something this drastic, you fool," the policeman murmured.  
  
Kenshin bowed meekly and apologized.  
  
"Get out of my office and go home," Saitou ordered with commanding finality. The red-haired man obeyed, trailing drops of water on the wooden floor as he left.  
  
He could not believe it was that bad already. He thought he could hide it from people for longer than this. It made him very worried. If Saitou already noticed, what did Kaoru-dono know about it?  
  
It had started a few weeks ago, when everything had finally settled down. Sano was gone now to other places in the world, and Megumi had moved to Aizu where she could be more useful. He was quite happy that everything was quiet now.  
  
Unfortunately, it was rather TOO quiet for him.  
  
For more years than he can count, his head was filled with thoughts, of different kinds. For several years, they were thoughts of survival: where would he get his next meal? For a few months: how was Kaoru-dono? How do I stop Shishio? How do I get through to Enishi? Now that all of his thoughts were taken care of, and all his questions answered, there was suddenly not much for his fast-paced brain to think about.  
  
That left his brain susceptible to other thoughts.  
  
His nights now were filled with terrors of the past. He would not be asleep for longer than 20 minutes, when the images began to run through his head. Blood on the streets. Blood on his hands. And blood on himself. Otherwise, it was filled with that sight of blood on a very striking resemblance of Kaoru, so real it deceived him, and still filled his nights.  
  
He would awake with a start, then try to stop himself from going back to sleep. He did not want to see those images again. He hoped Kaoru did not know or notice. He told her every morning that he had had a good night. He did not know if she bought it, but she did not ask any further and just gave him a smile.  
  
But the next night would come, and it would be the same, all over again.

Like right now.  
  
A vision of the pretty and confident young lady appeared in front of him, her ponytailed hair swaying back and forth in the breeze, a basket in front of her. Then it slowly faded, and the cackle of many unearthly voices rang around. She will never be truly yours, they said. Never. You are deceiving yourself. She will never be truly yours.  
  
"Kenshin?"   
  
It sounded like Kaoru, near but far. Where was she coming from? Where was she? No, not again!  
  
"What did Saitou-san say?"  
  
"Don't.........go..........Kaoru-dono............" he pleaded. He did not know where her voice was coming from, and it seemed to be fading away.  
  
"I'm standing right beside you, Kenshin!" her voice came from very near him, and he felt her take his hand. "Stop standing there like you have seen a ghost!"  
  
"Oro?" He held his head and shook for a while, and saw that he was standing in front of the police department building.  
  
"Silly dear old Kenshin, how long have you been standing there?" she gave out a little laugh.  
  
"I.........do not know........" he answered as he scratched his head.  
  
"Doesn't matter anymore," Kaoru smiled, and pulled him by the hand. "Let's go home. I've got enough vegetables here for you to cook for dinner."  
  
He stopped walking so suddenly Kaoru was pulled back with a snap. "I have been out of sorts today, Kaoru-dono. I might burn the rice and ruin the soup. You go and handle it. I will just get some medicine from the doctor, alright?"  
  
Even as she doubted this decision, she nodded and walked on home.  
  
The doctor that replaced Megumi was not as caring or as capable as her.  
  
"Do you have anything here for someone having trouble sleeping?" Kenshin calmly asked.  
  
The doctor did not even give him a look. He just walked to a cabinet, took down a small bottle, and handed it to him. "Sleeping pills. The new thing from the West. Just take one every day that you feel you need it. Come back in a week."  
  
Kenshin looked at the glass bottle, full of little white circular pills. "But, sensei, how do I pay for this?"  
  
"Whenever you can," the doctor answered with a wave of the hand, as he returned to his filing. He let Kenshin leave without a word.  
  
Kenshin did not feel the ground under him as he walked home to the Kamiya dojo. He felt light-headed, as if he was floating a few inches off the ground. He was only aware enough to know where he was walking to.  
  
He entered the gate, and proceeded to the well. He drew himself a bucket of water, then readied the ladle. He took out the bottle, opened it and took out one of the little pills. "Well, I hope this works......I cannot keep lying to Kaoru-dono......." He popped the pill into his mouth and washed it down with some water.  
  
Whatever was inside that pill, it acted quickly. A few minutes later, he felt the ground spinning around him. The nearest spot was the porch, so he dizzily walked there. He felt the desperate need to close his eyes, to stop the spinning, to sleep. At first, he refused to give in to that urge, scared of more nightmares. But the chemicals were stronger than he, and he finally surrendered.  
  
He knew, saw, and felt nothing more after that.  
  
Kaoru came to the front of the dojo and called for Kenshin. It had gotten dark already, and he had not yet appeared in the kitchen. She found him slumped at the front porch, a small bottle beside him.  
  
She had heard things in the market about small bottles filled with white pills. A few deaths had already occurred due to those small bottles, and no one was exactly sure why. Nobody had reported these deaths to the police, for they all just thought their time had come to die. Thus, despite the rumors, people kept buying the pills in the small bottles, for various reasons.  
  
After several terrible thoughts ran through her head, she ran to him and checked for a heart beat. Normal. Breathing. Normal. He was not dead. She gave out a big sigh of relief. She then shook him gently. "Time for dinner, Kenshin." But she got no response. Stronger shakings and calls did not yield results either. This was not normal sleep. Someone even in the deepest of dreams can normally be awakened if waked furiously enough. Kaoru practically shouted into his ear, and still got no response.  
  
Sweat dotted her forehead. He was too heavy to be carried by a woman. Yahiko was not sleeping at the dojo that night. She no longer had Sano to help her with him.  
  
She ran back into the house and got a blanket. She spread it out, moved him a bit and got the blanket under him. "Sorry, Kenshin, but I didn't know what else to do," she apologized to the dead weight. Then, she pulled at the blanket, and dragged the man into the practice area just beyond the front porch. She got his pillow and blankets, and settled him there comfortably for the night.  
  
"The things I do for you, really now!" she muttered as she walked to the front porch. There, she found the bottle of pills, still full. She took it up, and looked it over carefully. It was exactly as the rumors had described it. They were marketed as sleeping pills and pain relievers. There was nothing in the package about its terrible effects, and nothing even about the ingredients.  
  
She was not sure what the pills did, but she realized quickly. They could be dangerous. She had to convince him not to take them anymore.  
  
....................  
  
I am not sure yet how long this will be, but I know it will be rather short. If you have suggestions, comments, and ideas, send them over when you review. Thank you very much for reading it. Hopefully I'll see you soon!


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks to those who reviewed. The pills thing came from "The Aristocats", of all places. First time I really saw that movie, I'm not kidding. I liked the brown kitten Toulouse a lot. Anyway, I saw Edgar mixing in a whole bottleful of the pills in cream, and there I suddenly found what I was looking for. That idea did solve one big aspect of this story that refused to work with the rest. My lessons in school will actually help in making this thing convincing. I hope you like the results. On to the story.  
  
............................  
  
Poor Kaoru had a rough night. She only managed three hours out of her usual eight. Her mind was on her permanent houseguest, who she left in the practice area. She did not know what had happened to Kenshin, and she did not know who to ask about it. The new doctor was not exactly a very approachable person. And even if he were, she was in no position to be calling for him in the middle of the night without real reason.  
  
As soon as the sun's rays passed through her paper doors, she resolutely got up to make breakfast. She knew her cooking skills were very pale in comparison to Kenshin's, but she had to do something to calm her nerves. She put some water to a boil, and readied some vegetables.  
  
"You just had to like an unpredictable wanderer, Kamiya Kaoru, you just had to!" she reproved herself as she chopped the carrots and radishes. "You could've fed him, then let him move on, but no! You let the wanderer stay with you, and you had to love him-----"  
  
"Good morning, Kaoru-dono," the wanderer's voice was heard from behind her. "I am sorry, you had to make breakfast........"  
  
"Kenshin!" She dropped knife and carrots in her haste, all wrath forgotten. "I was so worried!" She wrapped her arms around him and gave him a tight hug. "Are you alright?"  
  
The embraced was happily surprised, but surprised. "I am alright, Kaoru- dono, but why do I get a hug?"  
  
"You mean, you don't remember?"  
  
Kenshin gave her a puzzled look. "Remember what?"  
  
"Well, you did notice that you slept in the practice area, right? I tried to wake you for dinner but I couldn't........"  
  
"Oh, that," he said. "I am sorry. I suppose the medicine was just too strong?" he scratched his head and gave her a silly grin.  
  
The young lady looked him straight in the eyes, with the look that made the most stubborn students obey. "Promise me you will not take them again, Kenshin!" she implored.  
  
He remained silent.  
  
He could not promise. For the first time in days, he felt completely relieved of the haunting past. There were no threatening voices, no tormenting dreams. He welcomed the absence of thought, even for a few hours. He wanted it again.  
  
He was not sure if that was what people felt when they said they were dead drunk, or if it was something else. It was somewhat disconcerting when he did not immediately know where he was when he awoke. Nonetheless, he did not find any cause for Kaoru's alarm. And he did not see why it should not be alright to have peaceful slumber, drug-induced or otherwise. He was desperate not to have those nightmares again. If it meant he had to use the doctor's medicine again, he did not see why Kaoru should object. Kaoru did not even have to know, yes?  
  
"Shall I help you with breakfast now, Kaoru-dono?" he asked after the long, uneasy silence.  
  
"I'll be fine," she answered nonchalantly, turned her back on him and resumed chopping.  
  
Breakfast was a rather quiet affair as well, and Yahiko knew better than to ask why. Each one thought his or her thoughts. Both were not sure if they wanted to know what the other was thinking.  
  
To keep the daytime terrors away, Kenshin kept busy. He bought the groceries, fixed potential roof leaks, did the laundry, and hung them out to dry. However, most of these were routine jobs, and still did not require much of him. Thus, the ringing thoughts remained.  
  
She will never be truly yours. She will never be truly yours. Never.  
  
That is impossible! He answered himself. I saved her, did I not? More than once! She knows how I feel about her, yes? She returns my affections, does she not? How can she not be mine?  
  
Think about it, Kenshin! Think about it! The voices in his head replied. Young women like her prefer men with reputation, and not the way YOU have a reputation. You are not famous, you are infamous. You are a hero, but you are a murderer.  
  
Not anymore!  
  
But you were. What will people say when they know she is married to a killer?  
  
They do not know that here! And she has no family to answer to! I have a good reputation here, finally! I have proven myself to her and to my friends. What more is needed?  
  
She keeps you here because she needs you. You are useful to her. Having no other man, she has seen you and liked you. The moment another man enters her life, you will be taken out of the picture. She will forget you, and she will have her own life apart from you. She will never be truly yours. Never.  
  
Kenshin held his head, and covered his ears. "Stop it! That is not true! No! Stop it!" He panted and gasped for breath. The thoughts were choking him.  
  
A hand was placed on his shoulder. "Kenshin? You alright?"  
  
Kaoru found him in the kitchen, standing in front of some chopped lettuce, holding his head, his hands shaking, and his eyes closed. It was as if he was a little boy, and had seen a ghost.  
  
"Let me handle dinner, Kenshin," she offered. "I need practice, anyway."  
  
"That is alright, Kaoru-dono. I will handle it," he replied, all color gone from his face.  
  
"But Kenshin.........."  
  
"I said I will handle it!" he snapped back.  
  
The young lady was shocked into an open gape.  
  
The unusual severity in his voice surprised him as well. "Sorry, Kaoru- dono," he quickly apologized. "I am alright. I will have dinner ready shortly."  
  
She sighed and left to change her clothes.  
  
He looked up and watched her leave. As he did so, he found a new bottle in the kitchen shelves. It was the bottle with the white pills.  
  
He told himself he would not bother Kaoru with them again. He took the bottle and placed it in his bedroom. If he took it again, she need not know anymore. He need not worry her again.  
  
But she was worried. He did not sound like himself, even if he apologized. He was keeping something from her, and she had a feeling it was something about himself. She knew enough about him to know that. When something bothered him, he would turn morose, quiet, and irritable.  
  
No matter how much he had tried to hide it, she was not dense. For the past two weeks Kenshin did not smile as often. For several nights she had heard someone pacing the floor just outside her bedroom. Thankfully, nobody came who she did not know. No psychopaths, no mercenaries, and no policemen. Nobody wanted anything very important out of her favorite redhead.  
  
When she tried to ask what was bothering him, however, he would not say. It was like before. He did not want to burden her with his problems. She shook her head. That was the main problem with Himura Kenshin. He did not know how to ask for help. He offered help, and people took it. People helped him without exactly asking him, and he just took their help. He rarely asked for help himself. It was the same now. If she asked, all he said what that he was fine, even if he was not. If she prodded, he would be angry. What was a girl to do?  
  
There was one other thing that worried her. At the Maekawa dojo a few students were talking about a relative who had died just yesterday. The man had gone on a drinking spree that night, then gone to bed. He was found dead the next morning. Beside him was found a medicine bottle.  
  
"Tell me," she had asked. "Was it a clear glass bottle, full of white round pills?" She even asked about the brand name given at the label, and the maker.  
  
"Yes, I believe that's how they described it," someone answered.  
  
She gave her thanks, and quickly left.  
  
Kenshin did have one of those deadly medicine bottles. She went home as fast as she could. She found him just standing in the kitchen with a deathly pale face. He looked distraught and strange. When she held him at the shoulder, she was relieved that he still recognized her. Then she was deeply concerned when he shouted at her.  
  
She looked at the kitchen shelves. She found the medicine bottle still placed at one of the high shelves. Tomorrow she would go to the big hospital and ask about them. Right now, she was glad Kenshin had not taken them again. Maybe his irritation was just a side effect from last night. Nothing to worry about. At least, she hoped it was nothing to worry about.  
  
When she had finished changing into her house kimono, she returned to the kitchen. Rice and soup were ready at the table, but Kenshin was no longer there. Worse, the medicine bottle was no longer there.  
  
She ran through the house, calling loudly for him, but he was not in the whole house. She armed herself with a lantern and ran to the neighbors. None had seen him. Where could that annoying little man be?! She tried the Akabeko, the police office, and the night market. He was not there. What if he got so mad with her pestering? What if he got so mad...........what if he, just up and left her?  
  
She started to get desperate. The sun had set, and darkness had descended on Tokyo. Still no Kenshin. She swore that if she found him, she would first give him a solid whack on the head, and demand to know why he suddenly left without telling her. Then she would gave him such a tight hug he would gasp for air.  
  
She remembered that quiet spot near the river, where fireflies dotted the grass with little lights. She walked there in a hurry, to her favorite quiet place with him, if only to pray there that he would be found. She needed someone to talk to. She did not care if they were the fireflies or the spirits of the river.  
  
But she found a human figure already standing there among the fireflies. She walked closer to the figure. The light from the lantern revealed a familiar white hakama.  
  
"Kenshin!" she called as he ran to him. She was eternally grateful he just decided to meditate or to think, at one of his favorite places.  
  
"Hello, Kaoru-dono," he greeted with a sad smile. "Have you eaten?"  
  
She let him have it. "BAKA! You just disappeared! How could I possibly eat dinner without you--------" Wait, wasn't that too frank?  
  
But he did not reply, or give her a clueless grin, or apologize profusely. He just stood there with blank eyes.  
  
She had to get to the bottom of this, and she was ready to get facts. "Don't you like staying at the dojo anymore, Kenshin?" she asked. "Tell me the truth."  
  
"On the contrary," he smiled faintly. "It is..........it is not that, Kaoru- dono." He looked away.  
  
"Am I...............am I...........is there a problem with me, Kenshin?" she asked again.  
  
He shook his head. No, it was not her. Nothing was wrong with her. Something was terribly wrong with him. Especially, the way he hoped she loved him as much as he loved her.  
  
Kaoru was the reason the nightmares that filled his evenings. He knew that now.  
  
It was that lingering thought that made him remember his blood-filled past, and tortured him night after night. With a past like he had, what right had he to make her his forever? The last time he fully opened his heart, the woman died! As it was, it had quite happened to this woman beside him already.  
  
With Tomoe, they were paired together by someone else. He liked the arrangement, of course, but someone else had made it so. With Kaoru, it will be completely up to him. He had to propose to her. He was not sure if he could do it.  
  
The rest of him agreed. You could not do it, Kenshin! You do not deserve her! With a past like yours, you don't deserve her!  
  
"Kenshin? What's wrong?" Kaoru gazed at his serious face. "Please tell me!"  
  
He could not tell her, not just yet. He did not even know how to tell her, anyway. He sighed. "I am just tired, Kaoru-dono. Shall we go home?"  
  
She nodded.  
  
They walked as they always have, side by side, the lantern between them. They walked in silence, looking straight ahead. The crickets chirped around them, and the occasional songbird warbled a sorrowful tune as they passed.  
  
Kaoru still felt the turmoil in Kenshin's mind. He was worried about something, something he could not tell her. She wanted to tell him, somehow, that he could trust her with his problem, whatever it was. But words would not suffice, or would not be truly heard.  
  
She took her right hand, and placed it in his left. He did not say anything. He just squeezed her hand as they walked.  
  
They entered the dojo, hands together. He only released his hold when they were reached his bedroom. "Thank you," he bowed to her and opened the sliding paper door. "Good night." He went in, and closed the door behind her.  
  
"But what about dinner -------" she asked as he was closing the door.  
  
"Not hungry." The door shut.  
  
He turned in for the night, and was surrounded by darkness. Then he was aware of a beautiful summer day. He sat by himself on a log near the river.  
  
In front of him, Kaoru stood in her favorite yellow kimono. Her long hair flew every which way in the summer breeze, having been freed from a purple ribbon. It was the first time he got a very good look at her, and how pretty the rather tomboyish girl could be.  
  
She held the ribbon in front of her. She wanted him to keep it. As a reminder of her. As his promise that he would not leave without telling her. As his promise that he would return to her. He finally took it, and she gave him a beautiful smile.  
  
But as she smiled, a figure snatched her from behind, and took her way. The man carried her away in a boat, farther and farther from him. He could only stand there and stare, as Kaoru drifted farther, and disappeared from sight.  
  
"No! Kaoru-dono!" He called out.  
  
He woke with a start. His hair was soaked in sweat.  
  
The clock chimed the first hour of the new day. The full moon shone through the window. He held his face in his hands.  
  
So what if she loves you, Kenshin? The voices rang again. Someday she will be taken from you, for good. You've just been lucky. You were able to get her back. But what about the next time? Will you be able to save her again? She will never be truly yours, Kenshin! She will never be yours!  
  
His eyes fell on the medicine bottle. He remembered Kaoru's eyes as she pleaded with him yesterday morning. But she did not understand what he was going through. She did not know about the nightmares. She did not know, she was the reason for them. He truly wanted to do what she said, and stop taking the medicine. Yet, he remembered the absence of thought. It was better than the presence of dreams.  
  
"I am sorry, Kaoru-dono," he said as he looked at the bottle in his hand. "I have no choice."  
  
He opened it, took out a pill, and swallowed it. Soon, both problems and Kaoru were forgotten.  
  
.........................  
  
This got done during the Saturday after classes started. I just wanted to take a break from it all.  
  
JML already knows this, and I have to tell the rest of the reviewers. I post new chapters now whenever I can, since I get busy in med school. 2-3 weeks between chapters is good turnout now. I hope you will be patient with me and keep tracking this little piece over the school year. It might take a long while, but I will finish it.  
  
Hikari Kitten – Thanks much. Hope you like this update!  
  
Marlingirl – Thank you for liking the story. I hope you get to read this update.  
  
KyteAura – Thanks for liking my work so far. Don't worry, this is solid K/K, with nothing else. Thanks for not going on a rampage because I write E/M. I'm glad you think my work is improving!  
  
JML – Sorry you got confused or something. Thanks for reading all the same.  
  
Chiki – Ey! Long time no see! Thanks for liking it! I hope school is fine for you.  
  
See you all next time! 


	3. Chapter 3

My country, one of the last strongholds of Rurouni Kenshin, is now taking out Samurai X. RK is actually one of the things that put a now-popular UHF channel on the map in my country. It probably won't be back for a while, on any channel. I will still keep praying for an animated Jinchuu arc, in the meantime.  
  
Hi, and thanks for coming back. Thanks for the comments, you make the story better. Sorry this chapter took a while. First, I got busy. Second, what I typed for a while were contents for future chapters, not this one. On with the story.  
  
................................  
  
Snippets of words reached the redhaired man, as Saitou Hajime droned on. The heat was getting to him again. While in his stuffy office, Saitou talked of organizations, arrests, opium. Kenshin's body was sitting in front of his desk. His brain wandered here and there, now and then. The insatiable need to doze off came again, but the nightmarish thoughts were also returning.  
  
Saitou noticed that the wanderer gave him a constant and blank gaze. He stopped. "Are you actually listening to me, Himura?"  
  
Kenshin blinked a few times, and looked at the officer in confusion. "I am sorry, Saitou," he scratched his head. "What was that again?"  
  
"We have reports of a new drug circulating in Tokyo," Saitou sighed and explained. "Something illegal organizations are letting out, to compensate for their losses from all the opium crackdowns. What do you know?"  
  
"A new illegal substance?" Kenshin repeated, thought for a while, then shook his head. "No new reports in town. What are the signs of addiction?"  
  
"We are not sure; the doctors do not even know about this thing yet."  
  
Kenshin nodded. "I will keep in touch with you if I learn anything."  
  
But how would he know anything about the town? Over the past few days, he just went through the motions of living. He could not keep track of himself; how could he possibly keep track of new developments in the town?  
  
He figured he would just take the medicine for two evenings in a row, just two. That first evening, he wanted to know what it could do. The second evening, he wanted to make sure if it could do it again. But the third night, convinced of the drug's effects, even if concerned of its effects on Kaoru, it just seemed natural to take it.  
  
So the days turned into a full week. An experiment quickly turned into a habit.  
  
The past and the present mixed into one confusing mess. Reality was confused with history.  
  
He was no longer sure. A few minutes ago, he was walking with Kaoru to the market. But Kaoru had just disappeared. The market was no longer there. He was now standing in the middle of a large field. The smell of blood and death filled his nose.  
  
The sound of hundreds of hooves surrounded the young man. The smoke of war rose to the sky around men who would rise no more. The stench of death wafted over the young man who stood alone in the midst. In his right hand, he held a sword soaked in blood.  
  
He looked down at the dead. His eyes fell on one of them, lying peacefully at his feet. He had a battle-worn face, but one that seemed friendly in life. His short dark hair was smoothed and tied back. At the middle of the man's medium-built body, the blood from a sword thrust stained his light blue outfit.  
  
Then he realized. He knew this young man.  
  
One of his playmates when he was very small, at one of those villages. Hideki. They ran after fireflies together.  
  
He knew his friend from days past had joined the Shinsengumi. He discovered that during one of his assassination missions. He still had that winning smile from his childhood, and an easy way with everyone he met. He remembered that Hideki once told him he would someday be a soldier for real. The young front-line killer did not know what to feel when he saw him at the enemy camp, and recognized him.  
  
Horses galloped toward him, several sturdy ones. "What are you standing there for, Himura?" a rider yelled to him. "We won! We won!"  
  
The victory did not sink into his consciousness. He had just killed a friend.  
  
"Hideki.........." He dropped the sword. "Why did it have to be you?"  
  
"Himura! We have to go! Himura!" the soldiers called after him. But he could not move from where he stood, just in front of the body of his old friend.  
  
More horses galloped closer to him. Their hooves were coming closer with every second. It sounded as if the horses were ready to run him over.  
  
"KENSHIN!"  
  
Someone grabbed his arm and yanked him backward.  
  
"Are you out of your mind?! Do you want to get killed?"  
  
From a few meters away came the sound of a neighing horse, the screech of wheels and the high-pitched angry voice of a carriage driver. "Bak'yarou! Drunk so early in the day!"  
  
"Snap out of it, Kenshin!" a female voice hissed at his ear. "What's happening to you?"  
  
It was only then that he saw the irritated driver waving a fist at him. He sat at the head of a rather ornate black carriage, and alternately calmed his horses and flung curses at Kenshin. A small crowd of market-goers had surrounded the carriage, Kenshin, and Kaoru.  
  
Kenshin quietly, calmly approached the driver. He gave him a low bow and a long apology.  
  
"Just watch where you're going next time, you little redhead!" the driver finally said, tugged at the reins and left the scene.  
  
Kenshin returned to Kaoru and gave him a sad smile. "Thank you." Then he began to slowly walk home.  
  
Kaoru did not know what Kenshin himself felt, but she had noticed changes in him. It had been a week since those little white pills were last discussed, a week since she held his hand on a summer night. But during that week, she noticed that he lost his happy smile and his effortless laugh. He always seemed lost in his thoughts now, even more than before. She no longer heard him pace the floor at night, but he would be rather absent-minded during the day. She knew, within herself, that he still took those little white pills. But she could not ask him about it, or confront him.  
  
On his part, he still could not talk to her about it.  
  
He thought he slept well now, free from the nightmares that haunted him. But he felt more tired during the day. He caught himself nodding off several times, worse than before. He was no longer sure about many little events now. He raked the yard in the afternoon, but Kaoru would tell him that he already did it that morning. Once Kaoru complained that he had put too much salt in the soup, when he did not remember he had put it in.  
  
The efficacy of the drug was wearing out on him. Yesterday, even if he took the medication, he woke up in the middle of the night, panting and sweating. He had to take it again. The result of the double dose was the little scene at the market. And Kenshin was not sure if that little scene had really happened.  
  
Yahiko had noticed as well. The boy's best sparring partner was not as good practice as he used to be. There were even times when Yahiko managed to hit Kenshin easily. It was getting rather boring to fight him.  
  
"You're thinking about that old hag too much, Kenshin!" he teased.  
  
Kenshin protested with a loud "Oro!", but he knew it was true.  
  
"So propose already! You know she'll say yes, don't you?"  
  
The voices that rung in his head shouted again. She won't have you! She will never be truly yours!  
  
"What if she does not, Yahiko?" he whispered to himself. What if she does not say yes?  
  
"Himura-san!" the doctor yelled from the gate.  
  
Kenshin acknowledged him with a bow.  
  
"I do have to remind you about the payment for those sleeping pills you took," he smirked. "It's been a week!"  
  
"I apologize, sensei," Kenshin said. "I think I was not told how much they were?"  
  
The doctor gave him a sum. It was equivalent to Kaoru's total monthly wages.  
  
Poor Kenshin would have to work at several odd jobs in the next few days if he wanted to pay it. Nonetheless, the redhaired man bowed and promised to pay in a week.  
  
Yahiko stared at Kenshin. "Those things cost THAT MUCH?!"  
  
"It was supposed to last for a year," Kenshin explained vaguely.  
  
But when he checked his little bottle, he knew it would not last a year.  
  
He looked well at the bottle, and was surprised to see it running out, after just two weeks. With the medicine costing so much, he should not have used so many, so fast. He would not have money for another bottle. Besides, Kaoru was worrying too much about him as it was. He had to stop, he knew it. He had to learn to live with the nightmares. Better that, than to get himself into more trouble.  
  
But not right now.........not just yet.  
  
He begged the stores in the market to let him fix the roof, clean the stalls, wash the dishes – anything just to get money. Most of the stores obliged, since he had helped them time and again with street thugs, robbers, and such. But after several days of working in one store, he would be fired. He was too slow, too clumsy, too absent-minded.  
  
"You're not usually like this, Himura-san!" More than one shopowner had commented. "Are you sick or something? Anything I can do?"  
  
Kenshin would just wave them off, say he was alright, he apologizes for any trouble he had caused, it would not happen again.  
  
But it happened again, in all of the places he worked for. All of them sadly let him go.  
  
"I hate to do this to you, Himura-san," the last shopkeeper said. "But you are making too many mistakes. You are slowing us down. I have to let you go."  
  
"Please, sir!" he begged. "I need the money!"  
  
"I am really sorry, Himura-san," the man bowed. "Come back when you are feeling a lot better, and I will see what I can do for you."  
  
He sighed, took the final wages, and left.  
  
He felt so hopeless, useless, and tired. He promised to find another odd job tomorrow. But tonight, he would just go to bed. He felt so tired, he might actually be able to sleep without taking any of the white pills.  
  
He did try to sleep normally. But by now he was so used to the sedation, he could not sleep without them, try as he might.  
  
He fumbled around his room. The bottle was not there. He must have left it in the kitchen, he figured, so he went there with uneven steps.  
  
Kaoru was there when he reached the kitchen. She was frowning and serious. She held the almost-empty bottle in her hand.  
  
"Please, Kaoru-dono, give it back," he pleaded.  
  
Kaoru folded her arms, and shook her head.  
  
"You do not understand, Kaoru-dono. I need them!" There was a flare in his eye that warned of coming danger.  
  
"Listen to yourself talk!" Kaoru answered with anger. "You're no longer the Kenshin I know! The one I know doesn't need things like this to keep going!"  
  
"Do not make me hurt you, Kaoru-dono!"  
  
"As if Himura Kenshin would dare!"  
  
"HAND THEM OVER!"  
  
"NO!"  
  
He pushed her to the floor with unusually heavy force, and made her drop the bottle. He quickly retrieved it as it rolled away. He then gave her an unnatural look of triumph as he walked away.  
  
But as soon as he reached his room, it struck, what he had done to Kaoru. He pushed her violently to the floor, and forced her to release the bottle. Since when were the pills more important to him that Kaoru herself? She was bound to be very disappointed in him. Furthermore, violence to her would be sufficient reason for her to kick him out of the dojo.  
  
She will never be truly yours, Kenshin! Never!  
  
The voices screamed loudly in his ear. If he did not stop them, they would scream and scream all that night and all the next day.  
  
He had to escape.  
  
He knew that if he took only one, he would still have the nightmares and the voices sometime in the evening. And two were no longer enough to keep him asleep the whole night. He opened the bottle, and took out three pills.  
  
The first one acted quickly. He was already rather drowsy as he took in the second. His eyes had already shut when he remembered there was a third one yet to take.  
  
But in the midst of the fog brought on by the chemicals, a different voice sounded. No, Kenshin. Not the third. She still needs you.  
  
Tomoe............you understand...............tell her! Tell Kaoru for me! I have to do this!  
  
If you take the last one, Kenshin, you will be forced to leave her. And you will never come back to her. Do you want that?  
  
So what's wrong with coming to you?  
  
Do not come to me, leaving obligations on earth, dear Kenshin.  
  
The two pills had taken their full effect. Tomoe disappeared in the overwhelming darkness that descended. He fell back into his futon, the last pill still in his hand.

.......................  
  
Kaoru could not stand for several minutes after she was pushed to the floor. It was not the force of the impact. As a kendo practitioner, she was used to it. It was the fact that Himura Kenshin had used it on her. A woman. A woman he loved – or at least she hoped so. Did he not love her?  
  
She decided to get up and apologize to him. She did not mean to be so rough. She just wanted him to stop taking them. She did not want Kenshin to stay like this. She wanted her Kenshin back. She would tell that to him, she decided as she marched to his room.  
  
But when she got to the room, she found him already asleep. Drug-induced, she figured. The bottle was beside him, almost empty now.  
  
Almost empty? Already? She stared at the two little pills that remained in the clear glass bottle. The last time she looked, when she first took the bottle from him, there were five pills left. Now, there were only two. He took in three?! At once?!  
  
"Spit them out, baka!" She screamed at him as she shook him hard. "Why do you want to die so badly?! Spit them out! Now!"  
  
His eyes fluttered open slowly. He raised his closed right hand. He opened it, and showed her a pill. "The third," he mumbled. "Didn't swallow it. Almost did." Then his eyes closed again, and he went limp.  
  
She lowered him back onto the futon, as tears flowed down her cheeks. "Kenshin, you fool! You stupid fool!" She held his hand beside her teary cheek.  
  
...............................  
  
Thanks to Chiki I already know the right spelling for "Baka yarou!", which roughly translates into "You idiot!" Gackt is responsible for me knowing that expletive so well. He said it way too many times in Moon Child. I loved that movie! I even made a website for it with a friend of mine. It's at http:moonchild.deep-river.net (make necessary changes). Hideki came from the Hideki in Chobits. Very nice guy, if a bit clueless.   
  
I apologize if things run a little fast in this chapter. For one, I don't really intend for this thing to be long. For another, I don't want things to get boring.  
  
Firuze Khanume – Wow! Thanks for reading! I hope I've explained about the doctor. Thanks for pointing it out.  
  
Chiki – Yes, you can die from an overdose. Many die when sleeping pills are taken with alcohol. I write to de-stress, in a way. If I don't project my thoughts into something else, I might go crazy.   
  
JML – I know what you mean, he won't take the easy way out. But thanks for pointing it out. Things will work out in the end.   
  
Brittanie Love – Thanks a lot!  
  
Junyortrakr – Thanks for reading. Yeah, I guess you figure right.

So that's it for now. I hope you'd be nice and place me in your Author Alerts, since I have no solid idea when I'll be releasing another chapter. At least you'll know when I do have an update. I do promise to finish this, I just don't know when. See you around!


	4. Chapter 4

Hello, I'm back. Thanks for suspending your disbelief, and for still reading this little piece. The things I can write when I don't want to study........ Sorry for the delay. I got busy with schoolwork again, and I got work again in the college council. Sorry as well if the chapter is dialogue-intensive.  
  
The RKRC is back! Go nominate your favorite stories already!   
  
..................................  
  
"When you come back, you'll stay at my house!" the little girl gave him a tight hug. "Is that a promise?"  
  
"Alright," he had agreed as he patted her head. Then he said his goodbyes and went on his way.  
  
He did hope to see the little girl again, but he did not count on it. He figured they would forget about each other in a few months.  
  
He had forgotten about the little event from over 10 years ago. But nowadays memories, life-changing or insignificant, came to him without choice. It came to him in bits and pieces. He barely recalled what the girl looked like. He thought he remembered a little wooden sword on her person, but that was all. It did not matter. After all, it was only a meeting of a few hours.  
  
The little girl had tapped his shoulder and smiled at him. "Why are you under the bridge?"  
  
She had found him under a bridge, of all places. It was a good hiding place, while people searched for an assassin. Furthermore, the places under bridges were peaceful and dark. Just the thing for disturbing thoughts. "I don't know where else to go, little one," he honestly replied. "What about you? Why are you here?"  
  
"Don't know where to go either," she answered as she sat beside him. "I don't know where my daddy went." But for a girl who was lost, she was quite calm about it. "You hungry, o-nii-chan?"  
  
Yes, he was, somewhat, but he had no money left for dinner, he was far away from the woods, and he knew nobody in the new Tokyo.  
  
He was probably thinking too long. The little girl got impatient.  
  
"Kenshin?"  
  
He looked at her with surprise. How in the world did the little girl know his name? He seldom gave his name to anyone, especially not to strange little girls!  
  
"Kenshin?"  
  
Think, Kenshin, THINK! Was this the daughter of an enemy, or a friend? What should he do to her?  
  
The girl tilted her head at him. "Kenshin, have some breakfast! You still have a high pile of laundry to deal with!"  
  
Laundry?! He held his head and tried to focus. "Kaoru-dono. Yes, I am coming."  
  
"I hope you're not sick, Kenshin," Kaoru continued. "You've been staring into space for over an hour now. Apart from the many things that have been strange about you lately."  
  
"Sorry, Kaoru-dono. I am not sick."  
  
He was not sick. He was worried.  
  
He had used up his last white pill yesterday evening.  
  
He needed a new bottle of the sleeping pills, but he had no money left. He had just completed payment for the first bottle the other day. If he wanted another one, he had to pay for it first. Two days. He would gauge himself for two days. If he could go on fine for two days without them, he would not buy another bottle.  
  
But his lofty plan was not working. Vegetables and soup blurred in front of him, and that was not because of the smoke from the cooking. The day and night seemed the same to him. And once every hour, was a new threatening voice.  
  
She will never be yours. She will never be yours! Never! She will never be yours!  
  
Around dinner time of the second day he was just barely aware of a hand being passed over his eyes. He did not even hear what Yahiko was saying. When he managed to snap out of his reverie, the dishes had already been cleared, and he was alone in the kitchen.  
  
He sighed deeply. He had to sleep, normally, like most people. Not like this, asleep with eyes open. He had to buy another bottle, and soon. He did not know how to get money quickly...........unless............yes, there was a room in the house with a cash box............ he could get money quickly from there.  
  
He was not sure if he was asleep or awake, hallucinating or dreaming. He was not even sure what time, what day it was. But he was sure he was in a large house, one that used to be affluent. His goal was to get to the room just past a large assembly area.......or was it a hall for sword practice?............yes, a practice hall. He was supposed to get some documents from a drawer, as well as assassinate the master of the house. A simple mission. A little out of his way, though. He had protested to his superiors. He was employed as an assassin, not as a thief.  
  
"What's the difference?" one replied. "You steal lives." After the young assassin sighed, the man continued. "It will not be too hard. Kill the man when you meet him. Retrieve the documents from his drawer."  
  
He accepted the black envelope with the potential victim's name, without a word. That was why he was now in the house. He was about to begin his mission.  
  
Quickly and quietly he worked his way to the room. Not very large, and rather sparse. More of a woman's room, though; it had a mirror and a kimono. He barely made out a person sleeping in a futon to one side of the room. As long as the person was not his target, as long as the person did not wake, it would be fine. He just had to be careful.  
  
He walked to the dresser and began opening the drawers. More female articles, mostly. Nothing worth stealing. Something was not right. In the drawer he found a box, but the box was full of money, not papers.  
  
He shook his head, refocused, and remembered. This was the present. He came to the dark little room for the money. He needed the money. Any way, any how.  
  
Whatever. It was something about money, something about a mission. Something about retrieving some articles, in the process of eliminating someone. In any case, he had to hurry and leave the house. Soon he would be noticed. The consequences would be terrible.  
  
He dropped two gold pieces in his haste. They clinked as they knocked into each other. He quickly snatched them and hid in a corner.  
  
"Kenshin? That you?" a voice mumbled.  
  
It was a female, rather high-pitched. She must be murmuring about her husband or something; surely there were other people in the city named as he was. He chose to ignore the voice, and to slowly sneak out of the bedroom before the woman got any more suspicious. Unfortunately, the gold pieces clinked again, and made a definitive racket.  
  
"Who's there?" the woman asked, with a menacing tone. "You better come out."  
  
He knew better than to show himself. He did not want to kill a woman if it could be helped. Thus, he waited in the shadows, until she murmured, "Must be my imagination............he couldn't do that to me, that red-haired annoyance............" she snuggled back under her blanket. he?"  
  
The man heaved in relief. From the tone the woman used, he knew that this woman was not a pushover. Male or female, if it were a thief, she would take them down, forcefully if not efficiently. He slid open the door just enough for him to slip through, and sped back to his room with trained silent, swift feet.  
  
The rush of adrenalin was incredible. He had not felt so............alive..........in months. The exhilaration in the efforts to avoid detection: it was a sensation he had left behind him. The thrill in the danger: it was a sensation not easily replaced. But it slowly dawned on him that this sensation would not happen again, not in a long while. It was now the era of peace. Yes, he did want peace, both for his country and for himself. He knew he had found it, and he would not let it go, not for the world. But it was hard, really hard, to get used again to a calm, peaceful life.  
  
His thoughts slowly returned to the present. The implications of his actions had not reached his consciousness, yet. Still, he now remembered that he was in his room at the Kamiya dojo, and that he had just............stolen from Kaoru.  
  
He had just added to his already many offenses against her. And this was the worst he could do. This, without doubt, will make her throw him out of the dojo. He would be out of her life, and she would not be the worse for it. She would forget him as an annoyance and a robber. And he deserved it.  
  
But he needed that new bottle, even if she got mad, even if she threw him out. He did not know how to last another day without decent sleep. He did not want to return to the terrible days of nightmares. He would explain, someday. He would explain. This was not a permanent arrangement, he convinced himself. Only as long as he needed, not longer. He would stop taking them when he no longer needed them. And he would return to being the man she.........she admires, relies on, depends on.................loves.  
  
She must not run into him this morning, he thought. He had to leave the house before she waked. Otherwise, who knows what could happen between them so early in the day. The young woman could be quite terrifying when provoked; he had seen it happen all too often.  
  
The gold pieces and paper bills clinked and crinkled noisily in the billfold as he walked to the doctor's office, accusing him to no end. He wondered why no one else heard the coins jangle so much.  
  
But fate was not on his side. "Sorry, Himura-san, I've just run out," the doctor said. "You can get some here," and he scribbled an address at the far end of town.  
  
Thus, he was forced to listen to the accusing jangling for a few more hours. He did not care to analyze where his feet were taking him. He did not bother to notice what kind of place it was, just that it did not look anything like a pharmacy. He needed them. That was all he knew now. He talked to a man with a knowing grin and weasel eyes, handed him the money, got his bottle, asked no further questions, did not look around. He had what he wanted. That was all he knew.  
  
He thought he heard victorious laughter from just beyond his line of sight. This is interesting! He heard someone say. That redhead's been on our case for a long time! Now he's one of our clients! Very interesting, indeed! We needn't worry about the police for a while longer. Let the good times roll!  
  
Yes, he knew they were talking about him. He did not understand, and he did not care. He had what he wanted. Nothing else mattered.  
  
He only returned at a time he was rather sure Kaoru would be teaching elsewhere and Yahiko would be occupied with errands.  
  
His landlady was still out when he returned to the Kamiya dojo. It was better that way. His worry about her only compounded to the threatening words and awful dreams that already filled his head. He peered down at the bottle in his hand, new and full. Just one of these, and the concerns would disappear. It would be worth all the trouble he went through. Yes, even disappointing her. It would be worth it if he could forget it with these little white things.  
  
With only a little remorse, he opened the small bottle of white pills. He took one, just one, for right now. He knew it was not enough to put him to sleep, not anymore. It was just enough to numb his condemning conscience, and to make him forget the possible impact of his deed on Kaoru.  
  
He was still much in a drug-induced stupor when Kaoru found him in the porch. She was red in the face and sweating profusely, yet it did not matter to him. It was......best............more or less........to be calm about.......it.............and let the........storm pass.  
  
"Where have you BEEN?!" Kaoru shouted. "The laundry isn't done, the yard is still unswept, the water in the kitchen is all gone!"  
  
"Sorry, Kaoru-dono," was all he said with a half-hearted glance at her.  
  
""Sorry' won't be good enough right now," she marched toward him. "Where is it?"  
  
"Where is what?"  
  
"The money I got saved is gone, and only you know where I keep my money." She raised an open palm. "You bought another bottle of those things. Hand it over. I'm giving it back, and getting back my savings. Don't you realize that I haven't taken the market money yet?"  
  
"I did not take your money," he said flatly.  
  
"LIAR! I saw you!" Tears formed at the corners of her eyes. "You entered my room, you took out the box, you took every single gold piece! How could you! I thought you were better than that!"  
  
He deserved every bit of her wrath, yet he could not surrender the bottle.  
  
"Himura Kenshin, I am asking, forcing, demanding that you hand over the bottle!" Her eyes blazed, as the tears dropped to her cheeks.  
  
He shook his head and rose to leave.  
  
"I might be younger than you, but I am still your landlady, and you are here because I allow you to stay. I am giving you an order! Give the bottle to me." A few more tears fell. "Please!"  
  
He bowed. "I cannot." He began to walk away.  
  
"Do NOT walk out on me, Himura Kenshin!" she screamed after him. He continued to walk away. "I am master of this house, you will do as I say!"  
  
He turned the corner.  
  
"DON'T DO THIS, KENSHIN!!"  
  
Then she screamed at the heavens. "Idiot! I am such an idiot!!"  
  
.....................................  
  
He popped the second one when he returned to his little room, and became oblivious to his crime and to his furious landlady. He swore to explain everything to her............someday............explain everything properly...........some...........  
  
As he lost himself in the chemical fog, the little girl appeared again. She walked beside him, her hand in his, and swinging his arm with it. She was a frisky little girl. She peppered him with stories about big bullies and trips to the river with her father.  
  
"Aren't you even a little bit afraid of me, my little friend? You only met me today," he interrupted after a while.  
  
"Should I be afraid of you, o-nii-chan? You look like a nice guy. At least you listen to a girl like me, not like most grown-ups. They just think I'm a nuisance," she answered with a sweet smile. "And stop calling me little!"  
  
"What should I call you then? What is your name?"  
  
The girl told him her name, even her full name. He just could not remember it now. He did recall it was rather short. It was also a bit too girly for this rather boyish girl.  
  
"I'm not scared of you!" she declared. "You're too nice. You talked to me, and you're walking me home. You can't be a bad person!"  
  
He smiled sadly. That is one person who is not scared of him, so far, one only. Only because she did not know who he was.  
  
"But it is so soon after the war, my dear. I could be.........a very bad man, a ..........a murderer. Didn't your father warn you about strangers? Haven't you heard of the Hitokiri Battousai, the..........the best...........killer in the war?"  
  
She pouted. "All you grown-ups talk the same! War! War! Always war! But not my daddy!" She tossed her head and raised her chest proudly. "My daddy says, the war was bad for everybody, especially the grown-ups. But the war is over! We all have to move on! My mommy would have wanted it that way."  
  
"Your mother died in the war?"  
  
She shook her head. "She got sick and she died, that's all. But my aunt died because of the war. And I liked her a lot." She frowned. "But my daddy says, now that the war is over, we have to be happy for those who died. My aunt will be sad if she sees all of us sad from where she is."  
  
Even Tomoe? She would be happier if he lived a happy life from now on?  
  
"That's why I try to cheer everybody up! And I try to be a good kendo student! That's what makes my daddy the happiest!"  
  
The little girl was right. He had to live his own life, beyond the war. He would be the best at what he knew how to be. He had promised not to kill anymore, but he could use his sword to help protect those that needed it. That would make Tomoe happy, he was sure.  
  
They had finally reached a familiar street. She lit up and ran to the large house with a prominent name at the gate. He followed her to the gate at his own pace.  
  
"Thank you so much!" she beamed. "You have to come inside! You have to meet my daddy!"  
  
It was too dangerous to be recognized in Tokyo as the Hitokiri Battousai. "Some other time," he smiled. "I have to go now." He took up her hand, and gave it a good pat. "Thanks a lot, my little friend. I will remember what you said. Goodbye. Grow up to be a fine lady, alright?" He then turned and began to walk away.  
  
"Wait!" the girl shouted to him. "What's your name, o-nii-chan?"  
  
It was too soon after the wars had ended. She might not know him, but her relatives might. Better safe than sorry. "Let's just say, I'm a rurouni."  
  
"Ru-rou-ni?" the girl tilted her head.  
  
"I'm not a samurai, but I have no master, not anymore," he explained. "So, for now, I wander around by myself."  
  
"Okay," the girl grinned. Then she ran to him, and tugged at his gi. "When will I see you again?"  
  
"I do not know," he smiled back at her.  
  
"When you come back, you'll stay at my house!" she gave him a tight hug. "Is that a promise?"  
  
"Alright," he agreed as he patted her head.  
  
...............................................  
  
I think I'm being a bit too obvious, but I suppose I do want to be obvious. I hope you liked this little bit. Also, if you think this is very uncharacteristic of our redhead, remember that dangerous drugs do weird things to the brain. My point being, he's not exactly aware that all of this uncharacteristic behavior is happening to him. You expect your medicine not to do anything weird to you, right?  
  
pnaixrose – Hiya! Welcome to RK fanfiction! Author ecommendations: Chiki, Conspirator, XD, angrybee. It will also be nice if you can check the stories winning and getting nominated in the RK Reader's Choice Awards. The best of the best are there.  
  
Kana173 – thanks a lot for liking the story!  
  
Brittanie Love – Thank you!  
  
junyortrakr – That's love for you. Thanks for liking the story.  
  
JML -- Hiko-sama? Maybe not this story.   
  
Alexiel – Thanks much! I don't think I'm that unique. I'm just a little nuts. The life I live makes me go crazy sometimes. No, I will NOT kill my favorite redhead, don't worry! It's not my nature to kill off characters. 


	5. Chapter 5

Most of you guessed right, so that means I was obvious. I'm glad to know I'm doing it right so far. Your words of sympathy were well received. Thank you for coming back. During the interval I survived several exams and assignments. My life as a med student is not fair. Far from it. Anyhow, here's the next chapter.

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Kaoru went to the dojos she taught in, and begged for an advanced salary. "I was robbed," she explained.

"Robbed? It can't be!" All the heads of the dojos said. "Himura Kenshin still lives at your place, right? How could you possibly get robbed?"

I was robbed by Himura Kenshin himself, she would answer in her head, that's how.

She told no one, not even Yahiko. It would shatter him to know, he who always looked up to Kenshin. As it was, the event shattered everything she knew about him. She had to remind herself, over and over, that the man she saw then was not the man she knew. He was not right in the head. If not for that firm belief, she would truly have sent him packing. Right now, she simply left him alone.

The morning after their confrontation, he came to breakfast, late and silent. She was still furious then. She served the rice and soup and unceremoniously placed it before him. She then tossed her head at him and ate with haste.

"Kaoru-dono........"

"Look, Kenshin, the fact remains," she answered without looking at him. "I don't care what your reason is. You stole from me."

"It shall not happen again."

"Because I'm not leaving my money in the cash box again. And I will not let you near my money again."

A long pause, as she continued to eat, and as he stared down at his miso. He finally spoke.

"Kaoru-dono."

His voice pleaded to be heard. She did not want to, but she found herself looking at his deep eyes, and seeing all the sadness in them.

"I was.........not myself......understand, Kaoru-dono, please. It will only be until I feel better, understand?"

It was the desperation in his words that riled her. It was the pills talking again, and she had had quite enough of it. "I refuse to understand. It has gone far enough. Sick or not, you will stop taking those pills. It is doing you more harm than good."

"I can't, Kaoru-dono. I just can't. Not now. I can't stop."

His eyes locked with hers. They were asking for help. But she was too angry to notice.

"You're pathetic, Kenshin."

He kept his eyes on her, desperate and distressed. But his words belied his eyes. "I shall not bother you again regarding the matter."

That was the last time he truly looked at her.

Kaoru found him an hour later in his room. His back was to the wall, his eyes were blank and misty.

They avoided each other as much as possible. That was rather easily accomplished, over the week that passed after the robbery. He usually stayed in his room. Whenever Yahiko would peek in, he was either asleep or staring out the window. The poor boy suddenly found himself having to do Kenshin's chores. Breakfast and dinner were quiet affairs now. Neither Kaoru nor Kenshin talked to the other. They would not even look at each other for any length of time. There were no angry looks, just plenty of sad ones.

Now, more than ever, he seemed to be always in a dream state. Asleep, yet awake. And it was as if he wanted it to be that way. Probably, to mask out whatever he felt about what he did. But in shutting out his thoughts, he also shut out the world. Kaoru could no longer get any kind of word, let alone any kind of decision, out of him.

"Once every five hours, I tell you!" Yahiko reported by the end of that week. "He pops a pill once every five hours in the mornings. I think he takes two at once every night. What in the world is happening to that guy?!"

"I wish I knew, Yahiko, I wish I knew........" Kaoru answered him.

Kaoru was confused about what to do, so she hesitated in making the first move. On the one hand, he needed to see that she was angry for having been robbed of her hard-earned money. On the other hand, he was not completely himself right now, so it was not fair to be vengeful.

She decided to do something more constructive as the new week entered. It had become too long. Furious with him or not, Kenshin was still Kenshin, and silly boy, he had to eat. He sometimes would not if you don't offer it. It was one of those times, she sighed.

She walked into his room at the middle of the day, armed with a lunch tray. She lowered it beside him, staring out the window with his back leaned on the wall. She tried to sound as normal as possible. "I haven't seen you eat anything over the last two days. They're edible. I made sure. That's the only thing I'm completely sure I can cook."

His eyes were on her, but they were not looking at anything.

"Oh, come on," she continued with a toss of her head. "I draw the line at feeding you. You have to do that yourself, silly boy."

Nothing.

"Are you even there, Kenshin?" she whispered, as she looked at the weary face.

"Kaoru-dono." He finally said, but still did not look at her. "S.....s.........sorry, Kaoru-dono."

She took the rice bowl into her hand and slowly raised it. "Enough about that. Lunch?"

But his head had lowered and his eyes had shut.

"KENSHIN!" she shouted and nailed him to the wall, his head knocking into it.

The shock had the desired effect, and for a few crucial seconds Kenshin was Kenshin again. The purple eyes truly saw her and looked at her.

"You have not eaten for two days, and I'm worried about you." She raised the bowl again. "Please eat something."

He understood, took bowl and chopsticks from her, and ate in little bites.

"You can't go on like this, Kenshin," she told him, slowly and emphatically. "I can't go on like this. It has to stop. It couldn't be that hard. Just give it to me, and I'll throw it away. Simple, yes?"

He had finished, and lowered the rice bowl. "No.........Not simple as that. Feel better with them.........Can't sleep without. Understand?"

She shook her head. But she was going to utilize this time he actually managed to talk to her. "How many of those things are you actually taking in a day?"

He scratched his head, thought a while, then raised the new pill bottle beside him. "Don't know. More than one?"

Definitely more than one in a day! Kaoru stared at the bottle in terror. Kenshin stole the money from her just a week ago. This was the first day of the second week, and already the little bottle was half empty.

She held him by the shoulders and made sure she saw true eyes. "Kenshin, you have to stop! You have to stop! I'm no doctor, but something's not right!"

But as soon as she said the words, she just barely saw his eyes go from clear to very misty and blank. She had lost him again.

..........................

It was chilly that night, and Kaoru found it hard to sleep. That was why she heard the groans from the next room.

"Stop............stop............never..........yours.............." were some of the discernible words that floated back to her.

The words ceased for a few minutes, then continued again. Clearer this time.

"She will never be truly yours! She hates you!"

Now there was no question. It was coming from the next room. From Kenshin.

She got out of bed and checked to see what was the matter with him. As she got nearer, the groans grew loader and faster. He was not in his futon when she got there. She barely made out his red hair hidden in the shadows, at the far corner of the room. She raised her little lantern, and found him curled up there in a little dusty, forgotten ball.

"Too noisy," he muttered, held his head, and rocked back and forth. "Too noisy! She will never be yours! Always she will be angry at you! Too much blood! On my hands! Too noisy! Stop! Stop! Stop messing with my head!" He fumbled around him for the pill bottle. He found it and took out two pills. "Stop that! She will get mad again! I don't care anymore! I want the voices to go away! Away!" he mumbled in quick succession as the pills shook in his palm. "Don't do it! I have to! Have to!" The hand still shook as he brought it to his mouth and he took in both pills. "Sorry.........Kaoru-dono..........." he finally whispered, as he slowly stopped rocking, and as the hands over his head slowly dropped beside him.

It was the last straw. Kenshin needed help. She would find it. Even in the middle of the night. She grabbed a shawl and ran to the doctor's office.

Kaoru returned to the dojo in half an hour with a sleepy and irritated doctor. She had pounded at the gate and shouted at the top of her lungs, and wakened several neighbors. She did not stop until she saw the doctor himself. She did not care what the man felt. He was a doctor, and she had a patient for him. She pointed to her charge at the corner of the room, and pleaded for the doctor to check him.

The doctor made his routine examination. The patient was passive: he did not react to it, nor did he follow instructions. For all intents, the doctor was checking an unconscious man.

"You should be watching this chap more carefully, young lady. Why, he's a textbook case," the doctor yawned as he finished.

"A textbook case of what?"

"Visit any opium den, and you'll see what I mean," the doctor answered.

She did not know much about opium, but she did know it was one of those things people take to run away from problems. It was much like wine that way, just more dangerous. But to hear that about opium dens from a doctor............Kaoru pushed the man to the ground and held the man by his throat. "Kenshin is NOT one of those addicts!" she screamed.

"Unfortunately, young lady, he is," the doctor gagged under her strong arms.

"If he is, you made him that way, you............you bastard!" Kaoru dug her hands deeper. "You and that medicine of yours! Those pills! You have no IDEA how much it has ruined him! And you call yourself a doctor?"

But she loosened her tight grip as she saw the shock on the man's face.

"I honestly did not know, young lady."

"Impossible," she murmured.

"I heard from a doctor friend of mine, very reliable," he said as he coughed. "Said it was effective. Gave me an address. Besides, it was getting popular among other doctors, especially the more progressive ones. So I thought it was fine."

"Fine? FINE?!" Kaoru pressed him to the cold wooden floor. She pointed at Kenshin. "Does he look fine to you?" She took another good look at her wanderer as she pointed, and found it hard not to cry.

She then stood and released the doctor. "Get out of here, sensei," she ordered. "Before I kill you."

"I will report these findings. Himura will be the last patient under that drug, I promise you..........."

"Just, GET OUT, sensei!" she screamed at him. The doctor took off.

She returned to where Kenshin was, and wrapped him in a blanket. "You will get past this, Himura Kenshin, do you hear?" she told the sleeping figure. "You will fight. You will defeat the monsters in your dreams, the way you have defeated the enemies in your life." She held his hand. "You do not run away, you fight. That is the Kenshin I know. I don't know how, but I swear I will get him back. I will get him back."

Kaoru felt him squeeze her hand.

.......................................

It's one thing that's so good about being a writer. You can go places real life will never let you go. I gotta stop writing serious pieces. It's getting to me. A plan is forming in my head for a YT story, so I hope you wait for it. I'll write out the first chapter when my life gets just a little bit easier than right now. Sorry this chapter is rather short.

JML – Genzai? Good point. I figure he's gone to other places? At this point in the timeline Enishi is still sorta-kinda missing, so he won't make an appearance here.

PraiseDivineMercy – Neat name. Thanks! I can't believe I'm that believable! Yes, it's a barbiturate, right on the money, very good.

Vanderleigh – You can't deny the fact that Tomoe was a big part of his life. That doesn't mean Kaoru is any less important, though.

Pnaixrose – You're welcome about the recommendations. The torture will last for a little while longer, though.

Firuze Khanume – You were always good at predicting my next moves. Any suggestions, as usual, are very welcome. Thanks for still reading! Hope you had a great birthday!

Junyortrakr – They're still legit right now.......yare-yare, I have to explain that. Thanks for pointing it out.

Chiki – Thanks much. Haven't been seconded, though. That's alright. Best of luck with the votes!


	6. Chapter 6

Thank you for coming. I apologize for the long wait, I got very very busy these last few weeks. To the new readers, please remember that I post new chapters whenever I can, usually every 2-4 weeks. I promise to finish, but I might take a while. Thanks to you all for understanding. This chapter is one of the longer ones I've written in a while. Hope you like it.

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"Kenshin, you have to stop! You have to stop!"

In the haze of the days that passed, those words somehow managed to stay. It was Kaoru's voice, in the most plaintive he had heard them. He did not know what she saw – he did not know much of anything now – but there was something in her voice that truly concerned him.

He was again at the last of his supply of white pills. It seemed like just two long and very foggy days. That was too fast; even he knew that.

He allowed one more long foggy day to finish, as he took the last five little pills. Not all at once, of course. A little of Kaoru's panicked shouts to "Spit it out!" when he almost took in three, kept running in his brain. He took those five pills in regular intervals, and in so doing managed to stay in that place he now knew so well. Neither asleep nor awake. The absence of dreams, and the absence of reality. But Kaoru was not in that perfect state, and despite all the arguments and misunderstandings between them, he wanted to be where she was. It was only thoughts of her that made him actually want to leave that perfect state.

He promised to try, one more time, to stop. There was no easy way anymore to get money for a new bottle of little pills. No one will hire him. Kaoru will not help him. Even in the deepest of haze, he knew he had sworn not to kill, for any reason. Thus, by legal or illegal means, he had no way to get money quickly.

So, he tried again, with deep resolve now to succeed.

But this time, it was harder.

He knew he had do laundry, cook dinner, sweep the yard, clean house. He did those things for her............when was the last time he did them? A week, two weeks ago? What day was it today? What time was it? Why was the sun so bright? Was it past lunchtime already? Where was he again?

Oh, yes, Kamiya dojo. That was right. Now.........if he could only remember where he kept the washtub and soap.........He searched the whole complex and did not find his washtub. Maybe he was just too dizzy, he decided, and began to head back to his room.

Only, he could not find his room.

This room was too large, this other one was too small. This one had a kimono and other womanly things inside, so it must be a woman's............so a woman lived in this house.........whose house was it again?............Kaoru's? This was the Kamiya dojo, right?...........So where for goodness' sake was his bedroom?! It must be around here somewhere, but where?

He walked all around the house again, and all around the block. None of the other houses looked right, but the complex he should know best still did not look very familiar. He walked back to the porch, and tried in vain to know where he was.

He did not realize how long he had locked himself in. But the walk around the block had tired him out. So much, that soon he found himself.........feeling sleepy.............really sleepy.............

However, as he gave in, he saw the miles of bloody fields again, all around him. As he looked inside the house where he was, he saw a large open room. And in one wall, Kaoru, pinned to the wall with a bloody sword.

He shook himself awake, forcibly.

He had used the medicine too much, for too long. The sudden loss of it was wrecking havoc on his system. The original problem was returning, with a vengeance. His brain was waging war on itself. A part of him wanted to sleep like he used to, the sleep that was not sleep at all. Another wanted him to stay awake, and avoid all the nightmares that were sure to return.

Every so often he heard Yahiko's voice piercing the haze, but he did not understand what he was saying. However, he did understand what Kaoru said to Yahiko.

"Leave him alone."

WHAT?!

"I said leave him alone! If he wanted to come back to us, he can do that himself! I'm sick and tired of preparing food he won't eat. I'm sick and tired of wrapping him up at night, but he doesn't notice! I'm sick and tired of telling him to stop when he won't. So, if he wants to end this, he can end this himself without me. I've had enough."

He thought he heard her clogs stomp away and turn the corner.

His head tried to get rid of the memory as quickly as possible. He returned into that perfect state of suspended animation, and lost consciousness of the world around him.

When he returned to reality, he saw the stars twinkling in the dark sky, and he felt the sharp breeze chill his arm. And he saw Kaoru's anxious face just above him. She was already in a nightgown, and carried a candle in one hand.

"Kenshin! (achoo!)" Kaoru exclaimed, then sniffled. "It's midnight! What are you still doing out here?"

He did not know what to tell her. He could not just admit he got lost in her house. He did not not even know if this was her house or if he was somewhere else. And while he was thinking that, the overwhelming need to sleep already was making him close his eyes and nod off in front of her. Then he would see those fields of corpses and blood again around him, snap awake, wonder where he was again, wonder why Kaoru-dono was in front of him, feel sleepy again.........the cycle went on for over five times in the span of five minutes.

"Do you actually want to stay here for the night?" she asked. "It's too chilly!"

"No..........." doze off........snap...........disorientation......... "agree, too cold here........" eyes closing.........snap.........look around in confusion ........... "have to .......... Go to bed............." doze off........snap awake...... "can't........" doze off ........."have to.........."

He had had quite enough of this insane cycle! He started to falter on his promise to himself. He looked at her squarely. "Please, Kaoru-dono. Have mercy. Two gold pieces. I will give them back when I can."

She knew what he wanted. "No."

Doze.......snap......... "Please, Kaoru-dono." Doze........snap.

"Still, no."

He gave a deep sigh, and gave in to the need for sleep.

He just barely felt himself standing and walking, supported by someone. He felt gentle hands lower him down. He vaguely knew he was lying down on a soft futon. He thought he felt a blanket being draped over him, but he was not sure, as the vicious cycle had begun again. In longer intervals, but it had returned to continue.

He thought he had finally settled into slumber, when he found himself at the top of a hill, the camps behind him, and miles of dead bodies in front of him. It was midnight, and the evening breeze now blew around him. It had just rained a bit a while before, so they stench of death did not waft as much tonight.

He had done good work all that day. Much of the victory by the Isshinshishi that day was because of his efforts. Finally, the weariness of the work crept up on him. So much that he decided to spread out his army blanket on the grass, and just sleep there in the evening breeze.

Somebody kicked him awake an hour or two later. "How can you even sleep here?" a nervous young soldier, not much older than he, asked him with a grand flourish of his hand. "Don't you see that? Don't you smell that?"

The fiery golden eyes blazed as he glared at the soldier. "I'm tired!" he answered with irritation. "I had to kill all those people. It tires a person out, don't you see?"

The soldier shined a light at him, and assessed his thin form, red hair and prominent scar, as his eyes bulged and jaw dropped. "You are.........you are............the Hitokiri Battousai!" He then snapped the reins and took off at a gallop.

"Yeah, they call me that around here.........Hitokiri Battousai........." he chuckled. "I don't care. Not anymore. Even the best front man of the army gets tired, so will you please let me sleep?!"

He knew the sights and the smells, oh, how well he knew. He had many, many countless nights seeing those fields in his dreams. But tonight, he was too spent to even think about how his life had turned for the worse. He did not need philosophy, he needed sleep.

But he could not sleep.

Her voice kept ringing in his head. "Kenshin, you have to stop! You have to stop!" This was alternated by other haunting voices. You can't stop! You can't! You need them!

"STOP IT, ALL OF YOU!"

He shouted at all the voices, and suddenly he was alone in a vast darkness.

Then, just one voice.

--You promised to protect her!--

Well, if you mean Kaoru, then yes, Kenshin answered.

--This is a stupid way to do it, Shinta. By making her protect you from yourself.—

He sighed. Yes, I know.

-- Look for yourself, Shinta. See what has happened to her. You failed to protect her. --

The darkness cleared, and he was back in..........maybe it was his bedroom. In any case, he awoke with a futon under him.

But just a few meters from where he was, he found her. She was deathly pale, and deathly still. That was enough to send shivers down his spine. He shook his head, and made sure of what he saw. But the image of the young lady did not change. She lay before him, deathly still.

Impossible. Not again. Impossible!

But she was not wounded anywhere, so how could it be?

It was then that he saw the bottle. Much like his, clear, small, and full of little white pills. SHE would not make the same mistake, yes? Maybe she took his medicine by mistake, and took too much...........no...........no!

Where her life was at stake, nothing else mattered. His mind grew clear and sharp. All functions were at full power. He suddenly knew the house like he had never known it before. Every nook and cranny, every box and container. He ran to Kaoru's room, swung thirty degrees west toward her dresser, and found the medicine chest two feet from where the dresser was.

He scrambled and searched for an antidote, any medicine he knew would stop the effects of the pills. He turned the contents of their medicine chest upside down and inside out. Nothing was made to counter the pills.

It was then that he realized with horror. There was no antidote. If she died from the medicine, there would be nothing he could do.

And consequently ---- if he took too many of those pills again, there would be nothing Kaoru could do.

It stopped him cold.

One more mistake, and he could be dead. No one could stop it.

He did not want to die, and leave her alone to face the world. It was true she was a strong young woman. Still, she was vulnerable to attack. He wanted to be the one to protect her. To be the one to fight when she can no longer fight. To defend her when she could no longer defend herself.

She will never be truly yours! The voices rang again. What is the point? She will never be truly yours!

Even so, even so! He shouted back to the voices in his head. Even if she will not have me, I want to protect her!

That is pointless!

Pointless, probably. But she is my reason for living. I want to keep living for her. I know it does not make sense, but since when did ..........did............love.............make sense?

It no longer mattered if she loved him or not. He loved her. In that, he was sure.

He felt a sigh come from her, and he heaved in relief. She was just asleep. She was not dead. She was still around for him.........

He moved in closer, until his face was over hers. Now he was sure she was breathing normally, and just sleeping. He stroked the hair over her forehead as she slept. He wanted to feel this, always. He wanted to stay with her, no matter what he had to do. He wanted to keep protecting her. He admitted that he wanted to be protected by her as well.

He drew closer to the sleeping young woman, slowly, silently, gently. He clenched his fist, to keep his hand from shaking violently. He closed his eyes, drew himself, and his lips, ever closer, closer, closer, to her cheek...........then stopped.

No. Not like this. Not this way.

He did not want to steal a kiss from her. He wanted to receive it from her. He wanted to be worthy of that kiss.

It was just at that moment that her eyes met his.

She gave out a high scream, which he quickly muffled with a strong hand. He let her scream into his hand for a few minutes, until she calmed down. Then he lifted the hand.

As she shouted into his ear.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

He did not understand.

"GET OFF ME!"

He gaped at her, then realized that he was fully on top of her, with sweaty forehead and askew nightgown. Probably with bloodshot eyes, too. No wonder she drove a knee into his abdomen and flung him to the floor, at the next instant.

"Try that one more time, and I just might kill you!" she declared, as she breathed heavily.

"It is...........it is not what it looks like............Kaoru-dono..........." he defended, gripping his stomach hard.

"Then what is it?!"

"I............I...............thought..............."

"WHAT?!"

He silently presented the bottle he saw beside her.

"You HAVE flipped your lid. It's aspirin, don't you see? For a cold! Not that THING you keep taking!"

"Cold? You have a cold? Since when?" he asked.

She sneezed. "The other day. I kept worrying if you were warm enough since it was so chilly. You were shivering under that thin blanket you have right now, so I went looking for a thicker one........."

"Huh?"

She shook her head and smiled ruefully. "You never knew. You never noticed." She chuckled, as two tears trickled down one cheek. "Why did I think you would know? You wouldn't know how many nights I tossed and turned, worrying about you, and how miserable you've made me and Yahiko........." She stopped as her face grew red at the cheeks, then continued, "This is not a bad dream, right? You are really, really, talking to me? You are asking about me?" She sneezed again.

"Of course I am asking about you, Kaoru-dono! I was concerned. I thought you took them by mistake! I thought......I thought......those pills........"

"Yes?"

"That you were drugged."

Drugged. Yes, that he was.

The word still rung in his head. Drugged. Coming from his mouth, it sounded terrible, condemning. Yet, he had done it to himself with those pills. He had drugged himself. Drugged himself, like any other addict. He did not expect to be addicted to the pills, but he ............ but he was. He looked away and lowered his head and covered his face.

She drew him closer, wrapped her arms around him, and leaned her head on his shoulder.

"Idiot. Countless times I've told you. You don't have to fight your demons alone. Let me help you."

He just let her wrap herself around him, silently, understandingly. He did not deserve it, he never did. But, still, he accepted it.

"I thought you wanted to leave me alone. You said so."

"You actually heard that?............ Sorry. It was a tough day today. I still had to go to work, and this cold bothered me so much. I've had enough worrying about you for one day."

"You do not have to, Kaoru-dono."

"I will not have my silly wanderer die in my premises, do you hear?! That's why I do it!"

"Hai, de gozaru."

She suddenly backed away, much embarrassed. "I.........I.........did not mean to hug you for so long...........don't you go thinking weird thoughts...........I did not know what else to do.............."

He stopped her. "Why do you do this, Kaoru-dono?"

"I don't really know," she whispered "But I won't have it any other way."

"Why?"

"I...........I............like you...........I guess."

"That cannot be."

"And why not, Kenshin?"

"It just cannot be."

She made him face her. "Yes, it can."

The words rang again, louder, and louder. She will never be truly yours! Never! She will never be yours! Stop kidding yourself! She will never be yours!

The voices grew louder until they were deafening, in his head. He started to cry out in the midst of the noise. "Help me. Help me. HELP ME!"

He felt the warm hands and reassuring breath surround him again, in the middle of the deafening voices. "I'll try. I'll try."

...............................

Thank you so much for waiting, and I apologize if this chapter is a bit confusing. For a few weeks I've been looking for a set of words in the middle parts to finish this, but because I got busy the words I want didn't get formed. Thank you again for all the words of support for our favorite redhead. I do apologize, but I have a very good knack for punishing the poor fellow. I'm very happy he's back on cable TV, in Japanese too. Please expect the next chapter late in October, and not any time sooner. I'll be having finals, and I HAVE to do good.

**PraiseDivineMercy** – Yeah, it does help that I'm a med student. I have access to useful pharmacology and psychiatry books. And you have to have my kind of crazy fast-paced life to write such hi-angst material, just to de-stress! No lock-up, don't worry. **Chiki** – You actually want me to keep writing serious stuff? Thanks, I guess! Hello to your cousin as well. I hope you're not having trouble translating for her. **Hikari Kitten** – And there are people like me who don't take drugs per se, but writing and watching anime work just as well. Thanks for reading. **Junyortrakr **– Ah, you think like me! Did you know there's a line in a song we sing a lot in church: "Tell the poor wanderer a Savior has died."? I always remember poor Ken-san when we get to that part. **Misenagi** – Sorry I didn't include you in the thank yous last chapter. Yeah, Kaoru is literally the girl of his dreams. Thank you for reading! **Kenjutsu Princess** – Thanks a lot for reading. **JML** – Last Samurai? Where? Your detox is coming, don't worry. **Brittanie Love** – Thanks much. See you again! **Samuraiduck27** – Thanks for reading! **Ryuujin Dragon King **– Thanks much. Hope you come back! **Maeko-Nohara** – Hey, you're back! Sorry if you think it's an extremely scary plot. Thanks for reading!** JesusWolf** – Thank you so much. Hope you come back!


	7. Chapter 7

It's just AWFUL what happened to Chiki. I am taking it personally. If not for her major encouragement and support for Seven Days and Nine Months, I would not be where I am now in my fanfic writing. To that person who erased her existence in : someday, you WILL be caught. Shame on you.

Hello everybody, and thank you for waiting. Introduced concepts here are just from my crazy head. Sorry if this chapter got long.

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Deciding was one thing, conquering was another.

Soon after Kaoru had settled herself back to bed near him, the horrors began again.

He was in an old shack, at the stable. He was covered in an old horse's blanket, shivering in the cold. The winter silence was pierced by a shrill cry. "You little devil, why are you still here? Out, OUT!"

He pleaded desperately with the lady. "Please, it's so cold.........just tonight........I have nowhere to go........."

"Not a chance, brat! I won't have evil in any form staying on my property. Now get out, you devil child!" She even took a stone at her feet and threw it at him.

The stone hit the side of his forehead and made a little scratch. But he got the picture. He sighed, took up his little packet of belongings, and trudged out of the stable.

Devil child. Since his mother died, he was called that. Only the devil could have cursed him with such fiery red hair. No one knew who his father was; he barely knew himself. Some foreigner that came with the large boats, that was all he knew. That was how he turned out this way: red hair, light skin, but scrawny build and almond eyes. However, no one else knew that, and he was too young to be listened to, should he explain. Thus, the rumor stayed. His mother fell in love with the devil, and created a devil child.

It was cold, really cold, outside. And he only had thin clothes on. He blew on his hands, and began to walk. And walk and walk and walk. Two little tears fell to his dirty little cheeks. It was nights like this, when he missed his mother most.

He rubbed his eyes for a moment. Suddenly the woods around him disappeared, and they were replaced by dusty road and two rows of wooden houses. Tokyo? Kyoto? Where was he again? Tokyo........that was right.........Tokyo! It was more or less past midnight, and it was really cold.

Why was he outside? It was weird, really weird. He was outside with mismatched sandals, thin sleeping robe, and untied hair. And he did not know how he got there.

Worse, he no longer knew exactly where he was. He did not know how to get home.

If he did have a home.

"Home? Home?! You don't have a home anymore, you little brat! We need to save all the food we can!" the matron of the house shouted at him. "We tolerated you as your mother's son, that's all! Now she's gone. You better be gone, too."

"Why can't I stay?" he had asked innocently.

He got the same answer. He was a devil child, and a curse on the house. His clothes and his favorite top were bundled into a little package, and he was escorted – no, thrust – out the door.

He began again to walk, and walk, and walk. He walked aimlessly for about an hour, and found himself at a deserted side street.

Whispered voices surrounded him, from behind doors and windows.

"It's him. The devil incarnate."

"Red hair. Violet eyes. Cross-scar. It IS him."

"Get out of the way!"

"He can kill 10 men in one swing of his sword!"

"He strikes so quickly, the murdered never know until they are dead!"

"What kind of man IS he?!"

"He's not a man, he's a demon!"

"Run, run!"

He was now surrounded by cobblestones, tightly packed houses, and the smell of blood. Kyoto. Screams of panic filled his ears, as people took one look at him and ran for their lives. Those who were not afraid of his existence were either dead or in hiding.

When the roads eventually became deserted, he wearily searched for a place to eat and drink. But by then, all the food stalls had closed down, all the restaurants were closing. Soon the sun would rise, and he would still be hungry and dejected.

He managed to stumble onto a restaurant, already closed but with lights still open, while people cleaned. The smell of soup wafted from the kitchen, out the door, and to his nose. He just stood at the door, and remembered his wife of a few months, standing in front of a pot and stirring.

Suddenly a woman inside screamed. "A ghost!"

Yet another one was heard from inside. "Red hair..........It's him..........It's the ghost of that devil of a killer!"

He was too hungry and too dazed to do anything.

"You're all crazy!" A gruff voice bellowed. The door curtains were parted, and a muscular man stood in front of him. "It's just a stupid old beggar!" He then addressed him. "We don't serve beggars here. Go on, we've nothing here for you!"

"And we don't serve killers!" a woman squeaked from inside.

He was a killer. Even if he decided to stop, it would not change the facts. He was a killer. He will always be one, in the eyes of men. Maybe it was true after all. He was the child of the devil, and the devil gave him the power to kill.

"Don't just stand there, go on!" the man pushed him. He fell to the dusty road. The man then gave him a heavy kick to the side. "Move!"

He mustered enough strength to crawl farther away, to hide at a corner.

He did not know if he fell asleep or lost consciousness soon after that. But the sun was hot and people filled the main street when he looked. He would have been out of it for much longer, lying on the ground, had not some storekeeper thrown a bucket of dirty water over him. The storekeeper never noticed he was there.

Tokyo, Tokyo, he was in Tokyo.........somewhere in Tokyo. He was hungry and dirty. He had to get home.........get home.........home to............home to.................

He looked up, and saw a 10-year-old version of the little girl from before. Her cheerful yet concerned voice was just a few inches above him. She still had a wooden sword slung behind her, and she still wore her innocent smile. "You're hurt, o-nii-chan!" she said. "Can I get you anything? Bandages, ointment, something?"

He smiled and shook his head.

"That's no problem. My dad told me to help anyone who really needs it, and you look like you really need it," she said.

He chuckled. "Didn't your father tell you not to talk to strangers?"

"Only when they're scary," she grinned.

"And if I said I am the Hitokiri Battousai?" he asked.

She took out her wooden sword. "If I see Battousai, I'll give him a whack, whack, whack! I'll tell him he can't kill me!"

"You misunderstand, my little friend," he said, and looked her in the eye. "I AM Hitokiri Battousai. What will you do now?"

It took a while to sink in, and it took even longer to wait while she thought of an answer. Finally she decided on one, and stood tall. "If you promise not to kill me or my daddy, or any of my aunts and uncles and cousins and neighbors, I promise that you can get bandages at my house, and you can go on your way. Besides," she smiled, "you can't hurt me if you're so beaten up right now."

"You're one brave girl," he patted her head before he fainted.

The sun had fully set when he came to. She was still there beside him.

"Come on, o-nii-chan, you better go home with me, and get a change of clothes and some bandages. My dad won't mind so much, don't worry."

"Are you sure?" he asked.

She nodded. "By the way, what's your name?"

Shinta? Himura? What name would he give? He had already been wandering for 3 years. It was safer for him now. "Kenshin," he decided.

"Pleased to meet ya, Ken-nii-chan," she smiled, then tugged. "Come on. I'm late for dinner." She helped him stand up, then ran ahead for a few feet. She stopped, turned around and waved at him. "I'm Kaoru. Hurry up!"

Kaoru.

Yes, he had to go back. He had to get back home, back to the Kamiya dojo, back to Kaoru.

But the streets now all looked the same.

He walked one road, turned the corner, turned again, and find himself back at the little restaurant from last night. He tried the other direction, turned the corner, turned again, and he was back where he started. Always he returned to the street where he began.

He curled up into a little ball. He did not know where he was, he did not know where to go.

He was a killer, a devil child. Nobody wanted him. Nobody cared.

..............................................

Kaoru woke up an hour past midnight to get some water, and check on her wanderer. But he was not in bed. Thinking he had just gone out for some water as well, she went to the kitchen. He was not there either.

Her heart began to pound. How in the world could the little man just disappear during the night, in his condition? She looked around the entire property, and he was nowhere. That could only mean that he had left the complex and walked on his own.......but to where? At 2 o'clock in the morning?

She returned to the bedroom and conducted an inventory of his belongings. Everything was still there, even the sakabatou. She did not know whether to sigh in relief or continue to be afraid. He did not leave, never to return. But if everything was still there, what did he have on? And where WAS he?!

She told herself over and over that he was fine, that he would be back, that she should get back to bed and give her cold some much-needed rest. But try as she might to sleep again, she just tossed and turned, and kept worrying.

She was still awake when Yahiko came in that morning.

"Has Kenshin come back?" she asked him.

"He's been out? I didn't know," he answered. "I'll go check." And he ran off.

He returned a minute later. "Well, he's not in any room, and I've just been to the kitchen and he's not there."

He was still not home. Something was terribly wrong. But the sniffles and the pounding headache kept her from leaving her futon.

"Yahiko, be a good boy, and try looking for him, will you?" she instructed.

She must have had a look of great fear and anxiety, because Yahiko did not complain or grumble. "I'll try."

She tried to sleep and nurse her cold, but she had nightmares of every possible thing that could happen to him.

Yahiko's head appeared behind her screen door late that afternoon. "Nobody in town has seen him, Kaoru."

She stared at the boy and his concerned face.

"Want me to call the police?" Yahiko asked.

Something told her that he was rather close, but did not know it. "Not yet. I'll give it a try. You stay here, just in case he comes home."

"But, Kaoru, you have a cold!"

She sneezed. "I'll wrap up well. But we have to find him." She walked to the tool shack and retrieved the lantern.

She just walked, in a direction she did not know how she knew. She checked all the dark alleys and corners, constantly praying he was still alive and safe. She knew there were particular streets he frequently used on his way to market, and there were certain streets he used to get to specific places. She could only pray he used those streets on instinct.

Her hunch was fortunately right. She checked the alleys of the street to the precinct, and found a man slumped with his back to one of the walls of a little noodle shop.

It was just the meeting of kindred spirits that told her it was he. Otherwise, she could not possibly have recognized him. The tangled red hair was covered in dust and mud, the flimsy yukata was torn and dirty. He stared blankly at the night sky. She shook her head sadly at him. She knew this would happen. He got disoriented, and got lost. Once again, he had tried too hard.

She tapped him on the shoulder, but he suddenly withdrew from her and inched away a few feet. He looked at her with something close to fear. "Easy, Kenshin, easy," she slowly stepped a little closer. "It's just Kaoru."

"Don't hurt me..........don't hurt me.........." He sounded like a little boy. "I am not a devil's child.......I'm just another boy......"

Devil's child? Oh, maybe because of the red hair. She truly felt sad for him then. "I won't hurt you," she reassured him. "I've come to take you home."

He shook his head. "I have no home anymore.........father and mother are both dead now.......I have nowhere to go."

She had to snap him out of this current dream state if she wanted him to go home with her. She held him firmly by his shoulders, while he squirmed and she hushed him. Finally, he grew a bit calmer. She placed both hands just under his face, and made him look up at her.

"Kenshin, it's me, Kaoru. Let's go home."

"Kaoru-dono?" He looked up at her in confusion, then looked around. "Where are we?"

"It doesn't matter anymore," she said. "Let's go home."

"Home?"

"Yes, home."

He suddenly looked fully sober, fully serious. "But that is your home, not mine."

"Nonsense, my rurouni."

She took him by the hand and led him back to familiar territory. But his eyes told her he was seeing something else, yet again. That his brain was lost again in another dream.

The effects of the withdrawal were now at their peak. It was causing more havoc than he or she knew how to handle. She cursed unknown men and unknown chemicals under her breath as she glanced back at his glassy eyes. She prayed to whoever might be there to answer, for an end to the madness.

It was then that he coughed hard and bowled over. From the way he looked, she knew that he had not eaten all day. Otherwise, he had surely vomited. He continued to cough and grip his stomach tightly.

She took his hand, and made him run with her, as quickly as possible, to the doctor's clinic.

She pounded on the door until someone appeared, someone who was not the current doctor. This new one took a long look at the heavily panting, pale and disorganized man behind her, and understood. "So this is him." He positioned himself beside the redhaired man and hurried him inside. "We have no time to lose," he told Kaoru, as he placed him on a bed, muddy hair and tattered clothes notwithstanding.

"But.....but.........how do you know about him?" Kaoru stammered.

"Inspector Fujita. He talked to me," the new doctor explained while he checked pulse and breathing. "He had suspicions from a while back, I understand."

"But how come..........."

"Kamiya-san, right? It seems that you are not the only one with complaints against my colleague. Someone with more power than either of us got him transferred elsewhere. So here I am." He spoke evenly as he laid out new clothes and sheets. "Your friend? He's not the only one with this problem, but he's the worst case I've seen so far." He then looked at Kaoru squarely. "When was the last time he took the pills? And how many?"

"Two days ago. Last that I know, he was taking one tablet every five hours during the day, and two at night every four hours."

The doctor stopped what he was doing for several seconds, and just stared at his new patient. "Incredible," he told her. "And he's still alive."

He made Kaoru tell him what happened, starting from the beginning. As she retold the story, he quickly approached a medicine cabinet, retrieved a bottle, and took out two pills. He ground these. He then took out a small teapot, poured out a cup of green tea, and mixed in the ground medicine. He returned to the man on the bed, raised him to a sitting position, and made him drink the concoction.

Within a few minutes, the panting began to slow until peaceful breathing was heard. Soon the redhead looked much the same way he did, when Kaoru found him that very first terrible day. Locked in deep, dark slumber.

"WHAT did you just do?!" Kaoru demanded in panic.

"I let him sleep, my dear," the doctor answered. "It's better than letting him continue to suffer."

"If you just killed Kenshin, I swear-----"

"That is why I asked you how much he used to take. I just gave him that much, and not more. He is safe."

"You gave him those white pills?!" She was ready to grab for the doctor's neck. "Are you crazy?! Why are you feeding the habit?"

"No, I am not feeding the habit, but if I don't give him a dose of those sleeping pills, he would be worse off. I will actually ask you to keep giving him small doses, until he is cleared."

The doctor handed her a bottle. It was full of the dangerous white pills. She gave him a menacing look.

"Do not get me wrong, young lady. Only YOU should hold it, not him. You control how much of it he gets."

"I don't understand."

"Withdrawing from this drug is like stopping from drinking alcohol, but much harder. You can't just choose to stop blankly, have a few miserable nights, and be fine in another few days. His body has gotten so used to the drug, it goes haywire when it suddenly loses its supply. That's what's happening to him now. If it goes on like this, he could die, either as a result of the hallucinations or as a result of the body reactions."

She gulped.

"To minimize the reactions, and to gradually take him out of it, you have to give some of it in very controlled amounts. He doesn't need to know. Mix it in tea or something. Then we lessen it just a bit every day, until he's cleared."

"But, you underestimate how smart he is," Kaoru replied. "He would know."

"You have to do it, my dear," the doctor said. "There is no other way. He will keep getting worse if you don't do it."

"I can't, I can't!" she protested. "You didn't see what I saw! You don't know how I lost him slowly.........."

"Listen, young lady. When it comes to this kind of thing, 60 of the fight comes from the person himself, but another 40 comes from people around him. No matter how dedicated he is in fighting it, he needs help from outside himself for it to succeed."

She took a deep breath, and nodded.

She had not kept her promise to try and help him. She promised just last night. She had already failed him. She would not fail again.

She replayed in her mind, not his grand rescues, not his profound words of devotion. She only thought of his smile, the one full of simple joy in life. The smile she saw when they talked of everything and nothing on clear summer evenings. The smile she saw while he cooked dinner. The smile she saw whenever he held her hand. She had not seen that smile for at least two months.

She looked down at the new bottle in her hands, her kimono stained with tears.

..............................

Some explanation. I noticed in the early parts of the Kyoto arc anime how pale-skinned my favorite redhead is. Apart from the shock of red hair, it really made me think of his foreign roots. The result is this chapter. Also, the process given here is more or less the way addiction to the sedative-hypnotics are treated.

A little Gackt nonsense, if you don't mind. I finally got to see The Sixth Day and Seventh Night concert. That guy can absolutely, absolutely sing! The deep notes are rich, the high notes are clear. And he can totally rock a concert. He was all over the place in the fast songs, and he was very powerful (in a good way) in the slow songs. That nurse's outfit he wore will haunt my dreams for a while, I was laughing so hard. I hope he doesn't work TOO hard, it's painful to see him panting and forcing his way through the concert, while giving everybody such a memorable time.

I highly, highly recommend getting acquainted with Gackt and his music! Before it's too late, with the way he's punishing himself in those concert things. If you like slow stuff, download "Tsuki no Uta" or "Last Song". Slow but heavy, try "Secret Garden" or "Oasis". You like hard rock, try "Lu:Na". If you like the quirky, try "UK" or "Vanilla". He has them all, and more.

**samuraiduck27** – Thanks much. **Maeko-Nohara – **You're 13? Sorry! This thing will be shorter than the Enishi stories, sorry again. **JML – **I understand now about the Last Samurai thing. Thanks for liking it. **Nekotsuki – **Thanks for liking. **junyortrakr – **Yup, one thing at a time is good. **Brittanie Love – **Thank you so much. **Pnaixrose – **I never thought people would find it so very interesting, so, thanks so very much!


	8. Chapter 8

Hi, and thanks for coming back. I'm now on semester break, finally. I'm enjoying the luxury of doing stuff not related to schoolwork, hence, you get this new chapter rather early. On with the adventures of our pale-faced redhead. The first few paragraphs is one of the few times I actually write long paragraphs. 8 )

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Last night, Kaoru was beside him in his bedroom. No, he was in a daze at the porch, then someone, most likely Kaoru, helped him up and walked him to his bedroom. Or was that the other night? In any case, it was last night that Kaoru was beside him in his bedroom. He had sworn, as he looked down on her, not to fail her again, not to take those sleeping pills again. She had even given him a hug, that much he recalled.

The days and nights had blended into each other so much that he did not have a clear idea what day it was exactly. He did not remember exactly when he promised, not anymore. But he knew, he was fully convinced, that then, even if only then, he was fully awake, heart, mind, and soul. He looked into her face, and finally knew, without a shadow of a doubt, what he felt about her. He promised himself to be there for her, no matter what it took to change himself.

Soon after that promise was made, and Kaoru had tucked him in again, the endless dreams began.

He recalled having a long and strange dream of walking and walking, and finding this little girl. He woke up in a strange bed, surrounded by the smell of antiseptic, and Kaoru beside him in another strange bed. He knew about sleepwalking, but this was ridiculous. He felt incredibly tired, very odd, considering he was just asleep. He actually wanted to.......to........sleep, just a little more. And a strange man came a few minutes later to answer his wish. It was still hazy, but he barely recalled being fed some gruel. Then this man let him take a little something out of a teacup, and soon he was drowsy again, and asleep again.

He had another weird dream of walking to a little room behind a rather large house. The strange man was there, helped him disrobe. Then streams of water fell on his hair and his face. He actually felt dirt and grime fall off him with every new stream. He more or less got the idea after a while, and finished bathing himself, but still found it odd to be dreaming about bathing. The strange man handed him a new set of clothes to wear. He could not understand what the man was saying, but he accepted the clothes anyway. Another meal of soup and tea made him fall into dreamless sleep again. How long? He had no idea. He only knew that this evening with Kaoru has got to be the longest and weirdest yet.

He also recalled dreaming of Kaoru beside him in that strange bed, a damp towel over her head, and her cheeks flustered. She was sleeping restlessly. He felt her hand, and found it quite hot. The towel was as hot as her forehead now. He found a basin near her, washed the towel anew in the cold water, and placed it back on her forehead. He remembered just looking at her, and washing the towel every hour, for several hours, until the sunbeams came through the windows of the house they were in.

"I'll take over now, Himura-san," he heard the strange man say as he placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Will she be alright?" he asked in a drowsy voice.

"Yes, thanks to you," the man answered.

It was still really odd. He knew he was still dreaming, but felt like he had a sleepless night. "I want to sleep now," he drawled out.

"Pleasant dreams, my friend," the man said, and gave him a cup of tea. Normal tea; it did not have that bitter taste the ones before it had. But he was too tired to care. He was soon fast asleep.

Normal tea alternated with bitter tea for two more days. Kaoru was told by the doctor which one was which, but Kenshin did not seem to notice.

She began to be seriously sick hours after they reached the doctor's clinic. Two sleepless nights had made her cold turn into a serious fever. She had begged many times for the doctor to take care of Kenshin instead of her; he needed it more. But the doctor made her understand that he would be fine and that she badly needed to rest. Kaoru did know it was Kenshin who tended over her for a whole night, changing the damp towel. She wanted to thank him some time during the night, but his eyes were still too glassy. He always seemed asleep, even with his eyes open.

She sighed. Maybe it was indeed better this way. At least his mind was far away from his troubles. He should be happier this way. But she shook the thought away. He was so much more interesting when he was his normal self. She missed him badly.

"Are you sure he'll be fine?" she asked the doctor countless times.

"He's a strong man, he'll get through this," the doctor assured her.

"Anything I can do?"

"Rest well, and get your strength up," the doctor smiled at her. "I can see he gets his strength from you."

He finally woke up in earnest after two more meals of soup and tea. By then the dose had been lowered just enough that he did not have to have the medicine in the daytime. It did not make the days easier to deal with, but it was a start. It had indeed been a while since he did not feel lost in a dream.

He had a long string of questions ready for the man beside his bed. He sat upright on it, held his head, and asked away.

"Where am I?"

"The doctor's clinic. I'm the new doctor. I apologize if we have not been introduced," the man answered.

"How did I get here?"

"Kamiya-san brought you here."

"How long have I been here?"

"This is the end of the week you have been here with her."

"What time is it?"

"Just past 1 in the afternoon."

"What day is it today?"

The doctor gave a date much, much later than he expected. One and a half months late.

"That is impossible! Last week summer just started.........."

"It's nearing autumn already, my friend."

"What happened to the days in between?" he asked with alarm.

"In a manner of speaking, you slept through them."

"But you don't understand..........." then he saw Kaoru sleeping in another bed, with flustered cheeks. "How is she?"

"The fever is almost gone. She can go home with you by tomorrow." The doctor chuckled. "You two are meant for each other. You worry so much about the other, you forget about yourselves."

He ignored the comment, but he felt his cheeks warm up. "Yahiko? Where is he? Eleven years old, a spiky-haired boy.........."

"He proudly declared that he can take care of himself for the next few days. He is at your house. He just visits here every day."

Always the little boy acting like a man, he smiled to himself.

"Oh, and thank you for taking care of Kamiya-san the other night," the doctor added. "If it were not for you, she would have it worse now."

At first Kenshin scratched his head, then looked well at the doctor. "You mean........"

"I do not know what you remember, but you really did that. You have very good instincts for her."

This time his pale face turned to a color near to his hair's.

The doctor laughed aloud and patted him on the shoulder. "Propose to her already, and get it over with."

"ORO?!" Any degree of sleepiness left was now gone.

"The whole district has been wondering when you'll pop the question."

"The WHOLE DISTRICT?!"

The doctor laughed again. "News travels fast, my friend. Besides, both of you are generally liked here, and they do like the idea of you two getting together."

"But.........but............does the rest of the district also know.........how.........how I got into this mess?"

"No. That is between you, her, Yahiko-chan, Inspector Fujita, and me. If she is the reason why you got into this mess in the first place, you're worrying yourself for nothing. I saw that this week." The doctor smiled wide. "You love her, and she loves you back."

"But, sensei, you do not know me the way............the way she knows about me............and even she does not know everything about me............"

"As if that matters to her? Listen, if she did not love you so much, would she get sick over you?"

He turned red in the face again. He mumbled. "But............my............my past............"

"In love, the present is forgiven, and the past is forgotten."

Neither doctor nor patient noticed, but Kaoru was getting very flustered and had her eyes tightly closed.

She had heard every word.

...........................................................

The next day, the doctor gave her a final check. "Get of here, my dear. And take Himura-san with you," he ordered with a wide grin.

She smiled, then bowed her head. "Um, sensei, about what you said to Kenshin............"

"I meant it," he grinned. "Good luck to both of you."

"But........but............" she looked around. Only she and the doctor were in the room. "Where is he, anyway?"

"I'm not sure, but he has not left the clinic........."

She no longer heard the last part of the sentence, and went on a frantic search. The doctor could only smile.

She opened all the doors of the clinic, calling loudly for Kenshin. Had he gone walking around again by himself, and getting in trouble again? In her panic, she had not bothered to tie her hair up in a ribbon, leaving it flowing behind her.

When she reached the bath-house, the door opened by itself.

She found herself face to face with the object of her search............dressed only in a white towel around the waist.

She had seen him bare-chested before, but not recently. And not with his red hair streaming around his still tight body, despite the lack of exercise. It was also almost the first time she had fully observed his muscular arms and thighs. She found it hard not to stare.

"Kenshin."

He, too, could not take his eyes off her. Rarely did she leave her hair down. It now fell in an even waterfall behind her. She had a warm color to her cheeks that added to her simple beauty.

"Kaoru-dono."

It eventually dawned on them both that something else had to be said. They finally had the chance to had a real conversation after a week, aside from the many nightmarish days..........and no words came out.

"Good morning, Kaoru-dono." He still did not take his eyes off her.

"Good morning." Neither did she.

Another uneasy silence.

Then they both spoke at the same time. "I am sorry."

Then apologized together to the other. "Don't be sorry."

They smiled at the coincidence. And grew silent again.

Still she could remove her stare at his physique, but other practicalities began to finally dawn. "You'll catch cold."

"You still have a cold," he replied.

She sneezed, as if to confirm this. "Don't worry about me. Are you alright?"

"Somewhat, thank you."

Yet another silence.

Kenshin pointed inside the bath house, and Kaoru pointed toward the room with beds. "I should go and finish first, don't you agree?" They both said to the other. This time they laughed quietly and parted ways.

Fifteen minutes later they met again, looking they way both were familiar with. Kenshin in a red yukata, Kaoru in a yellow kimono.

"Hey, Kenshin," she greeted, rather weakly.

"Kaoru-dono."

They looked at each other again in silence with a slight smile. Then Kaoru bounded toward him and hugged him tightly.

"Kenshin no baka! Look what you did! You gave me such a bad cold! I lost a week of wages because of you! You'll be the death of me someday, silly stupid wanderer!" she felt tears flow down to her cheeks, as she felt the reality of that tight chest and those fine arms around her.

He stroked her hair slowly and hushed her gently. "It will not happen again, I promise, Kaoru-dono. It will not happen again."

"I'll make SURE it won't happen again, you idiot!" she sobbed into his yukata.

It was early afternoon when they were ready. As they stood at the clinic gates to leave, both bowed low before the doctor in gratitude. No words were necessary.

The doctor gave her a brown parcel. Kaoru knew what was inside without being told, but the doctor told her anyway. "This is the medicine, and the necessary doses."

She looked up at him. "There is no other way?"

The doctor shook his head. "Add a lot of love, to make the progress faster."

Both blushed, and departed.

..........................................

**Hikari Kitten** -- Thank you so much, and thanks for understanding. **Chikifriend** -- Yay! She's back! I'm glad I rock your world, thanks much! Witches and warlocks are more of a western than eastern thing, so I didn't use that. I became a Gackt fan just this year ("Tsuki no Uta" is to blame), so I probably don't know everything there is to know about the guy. Indeed, he's rather eccentric, but his music is incredible. I suppose your friends will help you get started. See ya around, kabayan! ) **samuraiduck27** -- Thanks so much! **Sabbie** -- Chiki is now Chikifriend. The short version of the problem is in her profile. **junyortrakr** -- I guess I'm one of the rare people apologizing for a long chapter. ) I don't want any chapter to be TOO long for anybody, you see. **Brittanie Love** -- Thank you! **JML** -- I consulted several books, and they all say step-down is the way sedative-hypnotics are correctly taken out, since there are dangerous withdrawal symptoms. Thanks for liking it. **TheEtherWay** -- In my reviews, click on Chikifriend. You'll find ways to contact Chiki there. Yup, he'd probably be half-Dutch, since Holland was allowed to continue trade with Japan when all the other Western powers were cut off during the Tokugawa era. **evilteddybear** -- Why are you an evil teddy bear? ) Yes, will continue, thanks a lot! **Nekotsuki **– Wow, thanks a lot for liking that alley scene!


	9. Chapter 9

Hello! Finished in a wave of inspiration over an evening and a next day. Many possible stories came to mind. In the end, this is what survived. Thanks for reading. Hope you like this new chapter.

...........................

"Don't bother me, woman."

He brushed her aside, as she watched the massacre of innocent carrots, cabbages, and tuna. It had indeed been a long while since he had control over the kitchen, but the half-mashed, half-chopped carrots were a terrible thing to see. His coordination was still a bit askew, and his slices of tuna came out very uneven.

"I can do this, alright?" He told her with a steely voice.

"But," she begged, "can't I at least-----"

"Get out! Now!"

She was making things worse, he fumed to himself. He knew without being told that the chopping was terrible. She did not have to nag about them. Exasperating woman.

He was annoyed. Kaoru had been slowly tapering off the medicine, a little too quickly, in his opinion. He once checked the paper the doctor gave her. He found out, unfortunately, that she had been following the dosage closely, and that his irritation was unfounded. However, while the nightmares did not return, he found it harder and harder to sleep for a whole night. He kept tossing and turning, his mind awake but blank. It was driving him crazy.

"Hey, Kenshin......" Yahiko called out.

"What?" he snapped at the boy.

"Easy! Kaoru just wanted to know when you'll have breakfast ready," Yahiko said.

"If she can't wait, she can go hungry this morning," he growled. Yahiko ran off in a hurry.

This was the second day since Kaoru announced he was cleared of the medicine. She had given him his final dose. There would be none after it. He did not know what to feel. He missed its effects, but no longer wanted to hurt Kaoru. This confusion, the lack of coordination, and the lack of sleep all combined to make him annoyed at everything.

He salvaged what he could of the carrots and mutilated cabbages, assembled a quick salad, dumped all of the serviceable tuna onto a plate, and heaped rice onto two rice bowls. "Breakfast is ready, you two!" he shouted out to them. He washed his hands, still muttering under his breath, and left the kitchen.

He ran into Kaoru on the way out. "What about you?" she asked. "Aren't you having breakfast?"

"I tried to hurry up the breakfast since you were hungry, so go on and eat. I don't want to ruin your breakfast." He spoke icily and walked away.

Yahiko and Kaoru had a quiet breakfast, filled with the sounds of battle screams from the dojo.

"Why is he practicing his drills so hard, Kaoru?" the boy asked.

"Getting rid of stress, I think," she answered.

He unleashed his annoyance at himself through his drills. He did not want to be angry at her, but the annoyance just came out. He wanted to scream it all out. He should not be treating her this way, after everything she had already done. He was failing her again!

The voices rang again. She will never be truly yours!

But she is mine! She told me herself! He swung at the air and sliced a ghost in half.

You are kidding yourself! The voices replied.

Yes, I am! She is mine! I promised to protect her! Now get out of my life and stop bothering me!

He swung, struck, and lunged in all directions, at all the threatening voices. He did not stop for hours. He did everything short of ruining the wooden floors in trying to defeat the monsters in his head.

Hunger and fatigue finally worked its effect, and he finally dropped and lay flat on the dojo floor, panting and sweating. He fought hard, but in the end, he had lost to the ghosts all around him, once again.

"Kenshin.........." Yahiko meekly called to him.

"What is it?" he asked, still with some irritation.

"Message from the precinct. Saitou wants you."

"Fine," he acknowleged. "Tell Kaoru-dono. Now get out of here."

..........................................

Saitou Hajime shook his head, very slowly. "This man gives such bad luck."

It had been roughly two months since he had last seen the redhaired annoyance. Aside from arresting three doctors and five quacks, he had gotten nowhere nearer to solving the case. The doctors met with contacts of contacts. Saitou was not even close to finding out who was the main distributor of the dangerous medicine. Until they find out, they could not make a case to the health department.

When Himura did not report or visit after a whole month, Saitou sent out an informant to look around the Kamiya dojo and see what was wrong. The report came back that he was sick. He then checked for himself, without telling the raccoon or her young ward. He found the redhead in a condition similar to other reports of drug intoxication. He called the man a thousand idiots, muttered a thousand curses, and had the district doctor taken in for questioning.

Chou did not want to be an undercover agent, after hearing what had happened to Himura from his superior. The other agents had managed to get second-hand information, but not much. Most potential informants had died before they got to them.

For the most part, only Himura was left, and he was still quite useless.

He appraised the replacement doctor of the problem, required his help in getting information, and asked that he watch out for Himura. Idiot or not, Himura was a good source of information and a reliable think tank, one Saitou did not want to lose. Once the doctor told him that the redhead was cleared, he immediately sent a message to the Kamiya dojo, requesting for Himura's presence at the precinct.

"Have you gotten anything out of him yet, boss?" Chou strolled into the office.

Saitou answered with a puff of his cigarette. "If you can give me a good way to extract information out of a sleeping man, I might give you a raise."

Because Himura was sleeping soundly in the policeman's leather chair, and seemed very exhausted.

"How long?" Chou asked.

"An hour, at least," his boss puffed.

A few knocks were heard, and a young lady looked into the room. "Good afternoon, Saitou-san. Do you know where I can find Kenshin?"

"Perfect timing, raccoon," Saitou remarked. "Maybe you could help us with him." He pointed to the chair.

Kaoru bowed as she entered, peered over the chair, and sighed. "Sorry, Saitou-san. He has had this bad habit of tiring himself out, since we came home from the clinic."

"Finding another way to sleep?" Chou asked.

"Probably," she said. "What did you want to know from him?"

"We were wonderin' if he knew where the main factory was," Chou answered for his boss. "Where those pills are made, you know?"

She nodded. She kneeled beside Himura, and tugged at his ear gently. "Hey, sleepyhead, wake up and talk to me. Saitou-san wants to know where you bought that second bottle. Do you remember?"

He swiped angrily at her, as he slowly opened his eyes. "What's the idea waking me up.........." He looked around, saw Saitou, and grew ashen-faced. "My sincere apologies, Saitou."

"Make a note to maintenance, Chou. Tell them to get rid of this chair," Saitou ordered. Chou nodded with a grin. He then faced Himura. "Well? Do you remember the route?"

"Barely," he replied.

"Take me there."

The company lost no time, and started walking out of the precinct and onto the streets. Kaoru and Chou allowed the other two men to take the lead and walked behind them.

"Hey, little lady, care to tell me what makes that redhead so tired like that?" Chou asked her, hands over his head. "I seem to recall he has great stamina."

"Against himself, he doesn't," she answered.

Chou, of course, did not understand, but he left it at that. He started whistling a little children's tune.

The four continued to walk, keeping thoughts to themselves.

Eventually Kaoru noticed that they were walking in circles. She had seen the Akabeko twice on their route. Chou whistled away his irritation. Himura kept plodding forward onto a street they had been before. Kaoru noticed that his eyes were blank.

Saitou stopped in front of Himura and grabbed the front of his yukata. "Either you lead me there now, or I will leave you here," Saitou told him sternly. Himura did not seem to understand the situation.

Kaoru approached them both. "Let me handle this, Saitou-san." She held his hand, and spoke close to his ear. "Hey, Kenshin. Take a good look around you."

He followed her orders, and nodded when he was through.

"Now close your eyes, and remember. You stood here that day, right? Where did you go next?"

He closed his eyes for a few minutes.

Kaoru squeezed his hand and shook him. "Remember now?"

He pointed to the right.

Kaoru and Kenshin now took the lead, with the two men close behind.

When she noticed the glassiness returning to his eyes, she gave him a little shake. "Hey, Kenshin, where to now?" He gave her an angry sideglance, but pointed to the next direction.

They reached an inconspicuous warehouse in the middle of the city. It still had traders, middlemen, and glass-eyed customers loitering near its gates.

"How did you know about this?" Saitou asked him.

"The contact was not available. I was directed here."

He did not have to tell the policemen about the jeers and sneers from the people inside, when he made his purchase back then. He remembered enough of the event to give Saitou a general layout of the warehouse floor, all without any of them being seen.

"Good work, for a spaced-out redhead," Saitou puffed at a cigarette. "We know what to do from here."

His eyes started to droop. They had walked several kilometers to get to the warehouse. "Just get rid of them, Saitou. It was a mistake. A mistake that will not........happen again............"

Saitou puffed again, and faced Kaoru. "Get this man to bed, raccoon."

She bowed, took Kenshin by the hand, and left Saitou and Chou.

"That was great work you just did, Kenshin, don't you think?" Kaoru said cheerfully on the way home.

She was answered by silence.

"Everyone makes mistakes, even you," she prodded.

He snapped at her. "I know I made a mistake! I know! Stop reminding me, woman!"

"It's Kaoru, Kenshin," she muttered.

"I know........I know............" he muttered back between clenched teeth.

.....................................

After dinner, she found him at it again. Sword in hand, he practiced all the drills and sequences of his technique, over and over. Eventually he moved forward and backward, striking in an unpredictable sequence, as if fighting someone.

She found it odd how determined he looked. His eyes were purple yet fiery, glued at an imaginary opponent that was quick on its heels. He kept striking and attacking it with unusual ferocity. And he kept opening his mouth and murmuring something, as if he was talking to his unseen opponent.

She retrieved a bokutou from the wall, and inched her way nearer to him. He charged, sakabatou to his right, and swung upward. She moved in, blocked the strike with a downward stroke, and held on.

"Kenshin look at me, listen to me!" she shouted to his face. "Stop punishing yourself about the past! You tell others to move on. You have to do it yourself!"

She hit his wrists with a quick move of the bokutou, and made him drop the sakabatou. He looked up at her, as if awakening from a dream, and saw her with surprise.

"Listen! I know you have killed many people, and I know you have made mistakes. But all grudges have been settled, all enemies have been beaten. You don't have to think about the past anymore." She took a deep breath. "Remember what I told you last year. I do not want the Hitokiri Battousai to stay. I want the rurouni to stay. Stop reliving your life as Hitokiri Battousai. That is not you anymore."

He lowered his head.

"And if I had my way," she added quietly, "I wouldn't want you to be a wanderer any more. I want you to stay here, always."

He was silent for a moment, deep in thought. Then he whispered. "You will never be truly mine. I do not deserve you. That is why I gave you so much trouble over the last few months. I wanted to forget. I did not want to think about it. The past just gave me reason after reason why you would not love someone like me."

Kaoru looked at him, defeated and anguished.

"I knew by the second day that the medicine was dangerous. But the thoughts of men long gone kept coming back. The voices that told me I was a loser and a fool kept ringing in my head. I know I was causing you pain. It just gave me another reason why you would not accept me, because I can and I did cause you pain. A vicious cycle. I wanted to forget it. I wanted to run away."

"But......"

"You really think I am someone who would not run away? You think wrong, Kaoru. Why do you think I wandered for more than ten years? Because I wanted to forget who I was, because I wanted to run away from myself. I promised you that I would not leave here anymore. But you cannot stop me from running away from myself. I found a good way to do it."

She did not know what to say. She placed her wooden sword on the floor and sat beside it, her eyes fixed on him.

"I was scared out of my mind. After years of being alone, I found someone I wanted to protect with my life. I did not know if she wanted me to. Who am I to believe she would accept me? I knew I was not worthy. No matter how I looked at it, I was not worthy. I had absolutely nothing to offer her. And after years and years of taking husbands, brothers, and fathers away from women, do I deserve to be a husband and a father myself?"

She saw a few tears moisten the wooden floor.

"Maybe Enishi was right after all. I do not deserve this life I have right now."

Now this was too much angst out of Himura Kenshin for her. She folded her hands over her chest and tossed her head. "Nonsense. I thought you found your answer when you fought Enishi. Where is that answer now?"

He looked up at her, his face in a question mark.

"I heard it, and so did Yahiko and all our friends. You will continue to fight, forget the past, and protect the present. You swore to do that. You said that was your answer. Where is it now?"

His eyes opened just a little wider.

She looked back at him, and gave him a gentle smile. "Please cheer up, will you? That answer, that promise is still there, I know it. I will keep reminding you of that promise, as often as necessary. I'll help you along the way. You'll never have to fight alone, if I can help it."

"That still does not change the fact, Kaoru."

"What fact, Kenshin?"

"I...............I...............love you, Kaoru." He paused. "But I cannot have you."

She blushed. But he needed an answer.

"You are limiting yourself. You, who can do the impossible."

She took a deep breath, and forced her tongue to say the next words. She had wanted to say them for so long, they were stuck in her throat. She gulped and retrieved the words, and said them slowly.

"I. Love. You. Think of absolutely nothing else."

She rose, and gave him a little peck on the forehead. She returned the wooden sword to its place in the wall, and began to walk to the door. She then turned back, and told him softly.

"You only have to ask."

...................

Some irritability and emotional instability is bound to happen while a person is withdrawing from drug abuse of any kind. I hope I got that across with this chapter. Thanks for reading the ramblings of a crazy med student. Yeesh, I'm making longer chapters now.

The chapter after this one will come after a long while again, since second semester is starting next week, and I'll be busy this November. I will post a new chapter when I'm ready. I still suggest that you place me in your author alerts, since I don't know myself when I might be able to post. At least you'll get an email when I do post. Thanks a lot for your patience and understanding, and I hope you liked these last two fast chapters. For those who are asking how long this will be: I don't think I'll go beyond 15 chapters.

**Brittanie Love **– Thanks a lot. **JML – **Thanks for liking the doctor. **junyortrakr – **Yeah, thanks for reminding me about that problem. **samuraiduck27 – **They'll be OK. Thanks for reading! **Hikari Kitten – **Aw, glad you liked that mushy part! **evilteddybear – **Thanks for answering why you're an evil teddy bear. I hope you do get well pretty soon. I try to update regularly. It's something to think about that isn't directly related to schoolwork, and it's a way to unwind and let out thoughts I can't show in public.


	10. Chapter 10

Hi, and thank you for reading. I realized too late that I have left out Tae and Tsubame in this little story. I am really sorry for this oversight. Again, sorry for the long interval. November was a crazy month for me, many parts of this story continued to have holes for a long time. Finally completed on a rainy day with no classes. I hope you like it.

……………………………………

You only have to ask.

Those words replaced the ones that tormented him for weeks. Indeed, he was sure that she loved him back. When he heard that out of her, his heart skipped two beats. He knew it from before, but it was only now that she said it, out loud, for him to hear. But the thoughts immediately pierced his brain. She would be crazy to marry him! He had nothing to offer! Women expected things out of men, did they not? And yet, the woman wanted him to propose, she was almost begging for it! She was short of doing the proposing herself! It should not be this way!

What then was holding him back?

"Kenshin! The soup is boiling over! Kenshin!"

There were ways to fix things, surely. He would eventually find a permanent job in Tokyo, now that disturbances were over and he was properly settled. Kaoru would still probably want to keep up the Kamiya dojo, and that would be alright. But she should not be principal breadwinner, he would make sure of it………..once he got brave enough to……..

"KENSHIN! The SOUP!"

A figure dashed over and moved the soup pot away from the fire, then shook him hard. "Wake up, Kenshin!"

As it was, he already lived like the housekeeper of this pretty young woman. As it was, they already lived like husband and wife out of forced circumstance. He only had to make it official, yes? But why won't the words come out of him? Why won't any solid plans appear?

SLAP!

"Himura Kenshin! I will insist on you not sleeping while standing, and definitely not while fixing dinner!"

Only then did he become aware of burnt soup, a painful cheek, and Kaoru's furious face.

"Really! If you're not feeling well yet, you should let me do the cooking," she waved a finger at him. "What you're doing is dangerous, especially to you!"

Yes, indeed. What she was asking him to do, to ask, was dangerous, especially to him.

"Kenshin!"

"Yes, Kaoru-dono," he bowed absent-mindedly.

"Well?"

"Sorry," he muttered as he walked out of the kitchen.

"Baka yarou…….." she muttered to herself as she salvaged what she could of the soup.

She hated him being like this. Not him, him, just him being like this. Unaware of himself, lost in his own world. She had seen it several times in the year she had known him, and it had never grown easier to see.

While indeed she was his master when chores were involved, she needed him for support. She had full control over the running of the household, but he kept her grounded and level-headed. When he was around, she did not panic so much, and she did not worry so much. When he was present, she no longer felt alone in the world.

She felt the loneliest during the last few months, when she could see him, but knew he was not there.

Still, she was glad that the worst was over. Something else was bothering him, something that made him absent-minded and careless. She could only pray that it was not another former enemy, a shadow from his past. He could not move on if fragments of the past kept coming back to torment him.

It was not the past that tormented him now. It was the future. The future that lay in his hands.

His constant thinking made him forget about dinner entirely. He must have been staring blankly at the window, for he thought he heard Yahiko yell out to Kaoru, "I think he's asleep!" and Kaoru shouting back, "Leave him there and come get your dinner."

He barely heard Kaoru and Yahiko arguing about the boy's trip to the woods with friends in town.

"Kenshin would let me, you old hag!" the boy said.

"You don't have Kenshin to ask now; I'm the one you're talking to, and I'm saying you won't go!"

"And if he says I can go, will that settle it?"

"Sure!" she shouted back. "If you can get anything out of that sleepyhead, then fine!"

His screen door was pulled open 10 seconds later.

"Talk to me, Kenshin. I know you've been spacey, but you're still Kenshin."

He was startled. The boy still trusted him?

"I know you heard us. Well? Do I get to go?"

This boy and his master. They believed in him too much, more than he believed in himself. He nodded. "Just one week, Yahiko. Kaoru-dono does need you around the house, so just one week. I will do your chores for only that long."

The boy's face lighted up. "Sure thing, Kenshin!" He went running, the suddenly ran back to Kenshin's bedroom. "Hey, don't do anything drastic to Kaoru while I'm gone, alright?" he grinned.

"Oro! What are you talking about?" his cheeks warmed.

"Drastic, like moving to Kyoto," the boy's eyes sparkled. "While I'm gone, you have my permission to marry the old hag, and to do your thing."

"YAHIKO!"

"You two lovebirds be good, okay?" and he ran off.

"Yahiko, you brat!" Kenshin called out in mock irritation, but his cheeks were still warm.

…………………………………………

It was another market day for most people. For Kenshin, it was special. He had not bought the groceries for at least a whole month; even he still could not believe it had already been that long. It was wonderful to be back on the street, mingling with people, and enjoying his present life. All the usual sights, sounds, and smells were present. Fish and vegetables were called out from all sides. Fresh bread and new soup filled the air with delicious scents. Busy mothers and easygoing youngsters moved past him.

From a few meters away, a traveling medicine peddler was shouting his wares and entertaining potential buyers. He was making the usual incredible claims of curative properties and relief from ailments. A lot of customers were going away with a small brown parcel.

Just then, the medicine peddler saw him, and stared at him. Then he waved at Kenshin. "Hey, I know you!" the man greeted with odd cheerfulness.

Kenshin could not remember where he had met him, and stayed his ground.

The peddler approached him and slipped a parcel into his hand. "It's yours free. And there's more where that came from. Just look for me. I know you need 'em."

He looked down at the small brown parcel, then back at the peddler. "I cannot receive this. I do not know you," Kenshin said with straight face.

"Oh, don't worry about that. You'll always get more than you need."

He memorized the man's face and clothes, bowed politely, and left him.

When he got home, he immediately opened the strange parcel.

It was as he feared. A new bottle of the sleeping pills.

By now he was able to think clearly enough to know that he was being bribed. Or, the organization supplying the drug wanted to keep him dazed enough to stay quiet. His rational self knew that, and it said it would not fall for a simple trick.

However, he was still craving for them. He took the bottle, and hid it in his yukata.

He went to his room, sat on the floor, and took out the bottle. It was exactly the same in size and packaging. But maybe the content was not? What if he made sure first, and took one? Maybe he would do that, he decided. He opened the bottle, and let out one tablet. It still looked the way it did before, so it was probably the same. He would take one, and see for himself.

But every time he decided to do it, he saw Kaoru. When he looked outside his window, there she was, pruning the hedges. He waited an hour, opened the bottle and took out a pill, but he saw her peep in and wave at him. Either she just passed on the way to the kitchen, or she intentionally wanted to say hello. He decided to try again after another hour, when she quite suddenly charged into the room, armed with a broom. "Did you see a mouse pass by here?" she asked without looking at him, without seeing the pill in his hand. He dropped the tablet onto the floor and apologized about not seeing anything. She left just as quickly, as he sighed.

The sight of her was enough to stop him. After everything she had done, he did not want to fail her.

So it was for a few more hours. A long and furious battle was fought in his brain. He wanted it, but he also wanted to keep promises. He wanted to forget, but he remembered. He paced the floor, he talked to himself, he pounded the wall.

If it were any other woman he had to deal with, it would have been much, MUCH easier. He would just take it, and he would probably not have regretted it. But not this particular woman. She exuded a force that should not be contradicted. A vision of her whacking his head with a bokutou, followed by a long string of angry words, haunted him. It was complete with a red face and steam coming out of her head. A funny vision, indeed, and he chuckled at it, but it stopped him when any other reason did not.

She was very strong. And yet, she believed in him completely. He did not want to face the strength of her wrath. He did not want to ruin the strength of her faith.

The hour finally came, the next day, when she saw the bottle of little pills herself. She found him staring at the bottle, debating in his head whether or not to open it. He kept looking at it so intently, he did not know that she had approached, and taken the bottle from his hand. It was still full, but the mere sight of it……….he saw in her face what went through her mind. Terror, fear, disappointment, and anger. One after another, and combined.

"Have you used them?" she asked.

He shook his head. She sighed with relief.

"Where did you get this?"

"Medicine peddler," he answered. "Yes, I know. Tell Saitou as soon as you can. I will give you the specifics----"

"That's not the point, Kenshin!" Kaoru waved the bottled before her. "I thought you wanted to stop. What is THIS thing doing here?"

He gave her a sad smile. "I am not sure."

"Explain."

"I still remember how great it felt, to feel nothing."

She raised an eyebrow. "I know I've heard that stuff from you before, but I still think it's weird." She placed her hands on her waist. "WHAT makes you so scared, that you want to keep taking these?"

"I already told you," he whispered.

She turned red then white then red again. She chuckled nervously, and made a bad imitation of Saitou. "You take things too seriously, Himura!" She resumed her regular voice but maintained the nervous military bearing. "THAT's nothing to lose sleep over! Do you understand, Himura?"

"Yes, Kaoru-dono" he muttered.

She held on to the bottle tightly, and assumed the face of stern landlady. "There's still a huge pile of laundry waiting to be washed. After that, the floors need to be cleaned. Go on. You've been doing nothing for so long, that's why you've been thinking such crazy things. I'll check if you have the floors clean by 5 o'clock. "

"Yes, Kaoru-dono," he answered with a grateful smile.

Now that the bottle was with her, he could only do what she wanted, and just sigh about the bottle. It was in safer hands now. He took out the soap and washtub.

When Kaoru returned from teaching and errands, the Kamiya dojo looked incredibly neat. Not only were the floors polished and the laundry washed, the whole yard was swept, and the water pots in the kitchen were all full. On most days, the four chores were divided into two days. Just the sweeping usually took an hour on a clear day. In order to complete the chores, he exhausted himself for a whole afternoon.

She found him opening a book, leaned on the wall of his room.

"Did you just do all………..all that?" she made a sweeping gesture at the porch and the yard.

He looked up at her, and nodded with a grin.

"You didn't have to!" she exclaimed. "But, thanks a lot."

"You are welcome," he answered.

"I'll have dinner ready in a few minutes, alright?" she said, and went to the kitchen.

She returned to call him after a few minutes. She found him sound asleep, the book dropped to the wooden floor.

She suddenly panicked. It was too quick. He must have found where she hid the bottle and taken a pill. She did not want to go over the terrible ritual again. If something could still be done, she would do it.

"Kenshin! KENSHIN!" she began to shake him as she shouted. "What have you done? Kenshin!"

But he opened his eyes, and answered her. "Is it morning already, Kaoru-dono?" Then he yawned.

He woke up quickly. He did not take the pills. He was fine. She was happily surprised, and could not stop the tears from falling. "You………you're alright……….you're alright."

"Just tired, that is all," he smiled at her.

"Dinner?" she asked as she brushed off the tears.

"A little soup will be fine," he said.

Dinner was a very quiet event, with Yahiko away. Only three sentences were passed between them.

"Thank you, truly, for doing the chores."

He bowed and acknowledged.

A long silence as both ate.

"Thank you for caring about me."

She blushed and looked at the table. "No problem."

She told him to go on to bed, and cleared the dishes herself. She later came to his room, and placed a blanket over him. "Kenshin no baka. Pleasant dreams."

And they were.

She had thanked him for something simple. Her thanks were just what he needed. Assurance that what he did was all that he actually needed to do, to please her. She rescued him from himself. If only for that, he would serve her gladly, forever.

His plans were complete. His mind was set. Nothing more held him back.

He would now ask, for something only she could give.

…………………………………………

Kaoru was rushing about the next morning. She spoke rapidly about a large kendo class while she fished around for a few pickled vegetables and rice. She gave him vague instructions to buy groceries, and sped off.

In her haste, the little bottle of pills rolled on to the floor, as she grabbed her clothes bag and ran out of the kitchen.

He stooped down, and took the bottle.

The haunting words threatened again. She will never be truly yours. You are deceiving yourself. She will never be truly yours.

But he also remembered the sight of her terrified face last night, while she shook him awake. He remembered how she blushed when he thanked her. And he remembered the extra warmth out of herself, as she tucked him in.

The past would not change, it was true. But it did not hold the future.

In love, the present is forgiven, and the past is forgotten.

He slipped the bottle into his yukata.

He bought the groceries that afternoon in record time. Then he walked slowly to the wide bridge with the street lights. He looked down into the water below, took out the little medicine bottle, and decided.

He opened the bottle, and let the little tablets fall into the water, one at a time. With each little tablet, he felt a small haunting memory disappear into the water as well. With each one, a condemning reason not to love her fell, never to return. He kept the bottle. He would give it to Saitou tomorrow as evidence. He would not see it again after that.

He then looked up at the sky. "Tomoe, you will always have a place in my heart. But now the time is right, for me to finally open my heart to her. Protect her, the way you protect me."

A little wind blew, and wrapped itself around him. Yes, I will. Be happy with her. It whispered into his ear, then moved on.

Another little wind carried Kaoru's voice to him. He saw her waving at him from one end of the bridge. "Here you are!" she called out. "I've been looking for you!"

As he waved back to her, he remembered her words.

I love you. Think of absolutely nothing else.

Kaoru talked for a bit about looking for him at the Akabeko and at the market. He told her about being in the market a while earlier. Little niceties, to calm his nerves. Soon she tugged at his sleeves, and reminded him they had to go home.

The sun was setting over the bridge, and covered the sky in orange. The bridge was now quite deserted. It was only him and her at the middle of the bridge, looking down at the water passing underneath. He took a deep breath. Now was as good a time, and as good a place, as he would ever get.

He bowed his head, and muttered. "Kamiya Kaoru……………dono."

She turned around. "You said something, Kenshin?"

He looked up, and looked well into her eyes. "Kamiya Kaoru, would you be so kind…………would you…………..would you………….."

"Would I what?"

The master orator and negotiator, found it difficult to formulate his words. "I………um………….wish to ask……………"

Was this it?

She asked herself, as her heart began to thump. She was not sure. She never really knew what was on his mind at any given time. She tried to play it cool. "Sure, ask anything!" she smiled. "But if you'll be asking for money, we're a little short right now, so I hope you could wait a week………….."

He shook his head.

"Kaoru……………..would you……………do me the honor……………..would you marry me?"

…………………………………….

As you can more or less see, this story is winding down. I did say it will not be long. The next chapter will probably be the last, unless an epilogue is made. Once again, please wait patiently. The next chapter will probably be out by the last week of December.

I'm now a big sucker for Lovers in Paris. It's a Korean comedy-drama. If Enishi were the son of a company CEO, and Misao a poor working girl he met by accident, imagine the romantic adventures that could happen. That would essentially be the story. It's really cute, and mushy in a nice way.

**junyortrakr** -- Answers? Well, finding them will take longer than the scope of this story, I think. **JML** -- I agree about the daisuki. Thanks for liking it. **Brittanie Love **-- Thanks much. **pnaixrose** -- No problem. As you can see I am winding things down. **PraiseDivineMercy** -- Thanks for reading! Kenshin should've been less cranky? OK, sorry about that. **samuraiduck27** -- Thank you so much. **Ali-Adi** -- You're back, thanks! Thanks for liking it. **evilteddybear** -- How do I get the ideas for this story? School life can get crazy for me, so I just want to run away from it all. I think I mentioned in Chapter 2 how this thing came together from watching The Aristocats. 8 ) What makes me think this way? School makes me crazy. **Chiki – **Place me on Author Alerts, please, if you want emails whenever I update. Thanks for liking the interaction. No, there are plenty of better writers in the RK section, but thanks for liking my work.


	11. Chapter 11

We come to the end of our little story. Thank you to everybody who stayed with this for several months, and endured my inconsistent production rate. Thank you for believing in a sad story, that helped me survive the craziness of my school life.

This is the result of a bad mix of Lovers in Paris (that nice Korean drama I mentioned at the last chapter) and Saiyuki Reload. Be warned that I will give a crazy ride before I give the nice conclusion. Hope you like.

……………………………………..

The winter passed like a long dream. He barely saw the snow fall and the winds blow during the whole season. Days and nights blended into each other. On most days he never noticed the hours pass as he worked on a few odd jobs. He had to work hard, and work well. He would be the one spending for the ceremony.

They had agreed it would be a simple ceremony, with their closest friends and associates. The Akabeko would help them with the wedding reception. She would save and choose her own wedding dress. Nonetheless, by his calculations, it would still take a good sum of money. And the money had to be ready by spring.

It was alright with him. At least it gave him something to think about and to work for, for several months. Thus, he kept himself immersed and busy in the long, happy dream. He was afraid that if he stop long enough to think about it, that he would wake up, and find out that it was all, just a dream.

He still could not believe that she said yes, that afternoon on the bridge. It was not a dramatic, even romantic, yes. Just a simple yes. That was all. But it was enough. He did not even jump up or shout or kiss her, or any of those romantic things people do. He just looked at her for a very long time, wondering if he had heard right, checking her face if she was joking. Then he smiled, and said thank you. Then he took up her hand, and they walked home. That was all. But it was enough.

Occasionally he wondered during that winter, if she still harbored any resentment from that trying summer and autumn. Or, if she regretted accepting his proposal. But she never talked about that time, not did she avoid it if he opened it up.

"It's the past. We both made mistakes. I've forgiven you. I'm just glad you're still here with me." That was all she said.

So his mind was at ease for most of the winter.

But roughly a week before the big day, the happy dream dissolved, and it was replaced by a terrible one.

He found himself walking, walking, walking, in a straight line, in a field white with snow. The cold winds blew across his face, and he shivered under his simple clothes.

Just a little beyond him, he saw her. "I've been waiting for you!" she called out. "Come on, let's go home!"

He walked just a little faster, nearer to her. Her hand was stretched out to him, and he held out his hand to her.

But as their hands were about to meet, a dark figure swooped over and pulled her back, kicking and screaming. It was a tall figure, and cloaked. It laughed in a cackling voice from beyond the grave, and muffled her screams.

"Let her go," he warned the figure.

"She will never be yours," it answered.

"I said, let her go!" he shouted, and drew out his sword.

"She will never be truly yours!" it laughed and cackled, as its hostage shouted his name.

"This is your final warning!" he placed his sword before him in battle stance, and charged.

But the figure was quick, and avoided all attacks. Meanwhile her shouts and screams kept him on his toes, desperately seeking an opening.

He finally stopped in mid-attack. He jumped up and soared, and brought his sword down in a powerful strike.

But the ghostly figure swung around, and the sword connected not with it, but its hostage, before he could change direction.

There was no scream. There was no sound. There was even no blood. Just a kimono in the snow. A loud cackle filled his ears from all directions, carried by the winds and confused by the snow. She will never be yours. She will never be truly yours!

He sat up in bed. He felt his hair, damp with sweat, and his face, cold and clammy. And he stayed awake for the rest of the night.

He managed to live through the rest of the day without any problems. But when the cackling voice and the terrible dream returned that next evening, he frantically ran to her bedroom and slid the door wide open. He saw her, perfectly fine and sound asleep, and sighed deeply with relief.

She shivered and looked up at him. "Kenshin! You look awful! What happened?"

He panted and caught his breath. "Nothing, nothing. I am glad you are alright." He closed the door and walked back to his room. But he did not sleep again. The dream seemed too true. He was afraid that if he went back there, it would indeed come true, and she would be taken from him for good.

He came for breakfast the next day, sat down, and gave Kaoru a glad smile. She was fine. She was still around…………..She was alright…………….I could finally close my eyes, knowing she is fine…………..

He only knew he had dozed off when he heard Yahiko above him. "Kenshin? It's 8 in the morning! Why are you still here? Don't you have work?"

He looked at the table, and saw a bento box with a cloth and a note above it. _ You looked so exhausted I let you sleep. Don't forget to eat before you go to work. I had to leave before you, I'm sorry. Kaoru. _

When the third and fourth night came, and he was still haunted by the cackling voice, his body could no longer cope. During the day he worked hard, helping a storekeeper move into a new warehouse. But because of two nights without sleep after such intensive work, he dropped boxes and tripped at least once an hour.

"I think you better go home and rest, Himura," the storekeeper told him a little before lunch. "I'll still pay you for the day. Go on. I don't want you sick on your wedding day."

He thanked his employer, and slowly, dizzily, made his way home.

He kept walking, walking, walking, in a straight line. Spring was still coming, and the street he walked in still had patches of white. A cold breeze blew across his face, and made him shiver.

Just a little beyond him, he saw her. "I've been waiting for you!" she called out. "Come on, let's go home!"

This was not happening, he kept telling himself. This was too much like his terrible dream. Surely it was not coming true!

But a dark, tall, cloaked figure appeared behind her, and covered her face. She kicked behind her, and squirmed to free herself.

Even if his nightmare was coming to life, he had to do something to protect her. "Let…………Let her go…….." he said, shaking in his sandals, his right hand reaching for his sword.

"Say what?" the dark figure called out.

He forced himself to be more threatening. "I said, let her go!" His right hand was shaking as he drew out his sword.

"Why should I? She isn't yours, not yet!" the figure taunted.

He placed his sword in front of him, in battle stance. "This is my final warning," he said, and stepped forward, his sword swaying up and down. "L……l….let her go."

"You're serious!" the figure exclaimed. "That can't be!"

"Kenshin, no!" Kaoru called out to him.

"Release her, now!" He zipped in the snow, moved behind the dark figure, and aimed the sword at the back of its neck.

"Alright, alright! I surrender! You can have the jo-chan!" Kenshin now saw that it was a human being, and a man, who raised his arms, and placed his hands over his head. "Jo-chan, did I really change that much?" the man addressed Kaoru. "How come he doesn't recognize me?"

Kaoru faced him and shook him hard. "Are you out of your mind?! You just pointed a sword at Sanosuke!"

Kenshin looked at the grinning man called Sanosuke from head to food. Aside from the change of clothes and a stubbly beard, it was indeed he. The surroundings around him spun furiously, he found it hard to keep standing. Kaoru had to catch him from behind and stop him from falling backward. He leaned on her, as they walked home.

He was not sure if he was still reliving the dream or he was wide awake, or something in between. He was still very tired, and very dizzy. He soon found himself staring at the ceiling.

"Hey, pal," his friend greeted from above him, "you alright?"

"No," he admitted, and groaned as Sanosuke's face refused to stay in one place.

Kaoru's face also appeared overhead, as she placed a cool cloth on his forehead. "You're working too hard, silly boy! I don't need a banquet, you know!"

He sighed. "Days like this, I wish I still had those tablets………….."

"Not. A. Chance. Himura-san." She clenched her teeth and frowned at him.

He smiled back weakly. "I knew you would say that."

She stood up with resolution and tapped Sanosuke. "We'll leave him to rest for now. I'll bring over some soup later."

He looked at the ceiling as they left.

But as he looked as the ceiling, the cackling voice rang again. She will never be truly yours. Never. She will never be yours. The wooden ceiling was slowly replaced by a dark winter sky, as snow fell over his face. The dark figure hovered over him, and it held her at the waist and at the mouth. You are not worthy of her, it shouted to him. You will never be, even if you try. She will never be yours. The figure constricted the woman it held, and the woman disintegrated, with fragments falling to the snowy ground, all while he looked, dumbfounded.

"No!" He screamed out, and he was back in his bedroom again in the still spring night. He looked around, and found an untouched bowl of soup near his futon. From her, he remembered gratefully. But the images of the disintegrated fragments were falling, falling, into the bowl, and turned it black. He sat down, covered his eyes and ears, and curled into a little ball.

A short rap at the door, then it slid open. Kaoru smiled at him in her bedclothes, a futon and a blanket around her arms. "Will it help if I stay here tonight?"

He was still too rattled to think straight, so he simply nodded.

"Of course," she added, as she lay out her futon beside him, "you have to promise not to do anything stupid."

"Oro!" Perish the thought!

"Good." She settled into bed, turned her back to him, and threw the blanket over herself. "Good night."

" 'Night," he said, but his eyes moved from the ceiling to her back, and from her back to the ceiling.

"Go to sleep, Kenshin," she scolded delicately without facing him.

"Yes," he muttered back.

He shut his eyes, but the snow and the wind filled his eyes again.

He saw her ponytail blowing in the wind. A large deep expanse lay beyond her. He was not sure, from where he stood, how sure her footing was. But the cackling voice still kept ringing in his ears. She will never be truly yours! She will never be truly yours!

"What are you afraid of, dearest?" She asked from a short distance beyond him, just a little beyond his grasp.

"I don't want to lose you again, Kaoru!" He shouted to the wind. He could barely see her, the snow and the wind stinging his eyes.

"No, you won't!" she said, and stretched out both hands. "Come on!"

He trudged on toward her, ever closer, her voice shouting for him to hurry. "I believe in you!" she prodded. He got to her, held her hands, kept her close. "See? I knew you can do it! Let's get away from here!" she said.

But as he pulled her up, the ground beneath her gave way, and fell into the deep darkness beyond them. She shouted his name, as he held on to her arms. But the snow had made their hands slippery, and he knew he was slowly losing his grasp. He kept shouting instructions and plans to her, but none were working, and still she was slipping.

"Go on and save yourself!" she pleaded.

"I will not lose you!" he shouted back.

She gave a final smile. "I love you and I believe in you."

A strong wind pulled her down, slipped her off his grip, and she fell, without a scream. The only scream he heard was his own.

The cackling voice only grew louder as it was carried by the wind. She will never be yours!

He woke up again, panting and heaving, and sighed as he looked beside him. She was still there. But he did not want to go back and see her fall off a cliff again in his dreams. He stared at the ceiling again.

"Kenshin," she mumbled beside him, "why are you still awake?"

"I do not want to go back there," he whimpered. "It's dark, and cold………"

She groaned,and turned to him. "You know, you sound like a big baby," she said in sleepy mock annoyance. "A big, redhaired baby, asking for a hug." She grinned,and ruffled his hair. "It's okay, mommy is here. Now go to sleep." And she turned her back on him again.

He did not want to lose her, in dreams or in reality. He took her at her word.

He placed one arm over her waist, and leaned his head on her shoulder. She did not resist, she did not pull away. He held her gently, but firmly, concerned about her, but unwilling to let her go. He allowed a few tears to drop and fall onto the futon.

Slowly the wind began to blow around him, and the snow surround him. He shivered as the cold penetrated him. He held on to her still tighter, and prayed.

_After all the things I have put her through, she still chooses to stay with me. Despite what I am, she still chooses to accept me. I have hurt her, and still she heals me. Please, let me stay with her. Do not take her from me. Let me be with her. Let me protect her. Please. _

He did not know to whom exactly he directed his prayer. Maybe to everything that threatened to take her. His fears. His enemies. His past. He pleaded with them all. He had a longer time to know her, and a longer time to love her. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. Desperately.

_She is mine. She is truly mine. _

The winds stopped blowing.

_Do you hear? She is truly mine! Please let her be mine!_

The snow stopped falling. He stopped shivering. Gradually the white snow disappeared, the darkness turned into a warm glow. He was back in his room, his arm around her, her warmth filling him.

He breathed his thanks, as he finally drifted off to dreamless sleep.

Morning came all too quickly soon after. She was squirming and trying to free herself from his arms. He got scared, and pulled her back. "Do not leave me yet," he begged with eyes shut.

"But I have to cook breakfast!" she protested, but with a laughing ring to her voice.

He did not answer, but hugged her closer.

"Oh, dear," she sighed, and snuggled. "Alright, but just one more hour. Such a big redhaired baby……." She stroked his hand. "Really, what would my father have said to my marrying someone like you?"

"He would say you are crazy," he whispered to her.

"Maybe," she answered. "But if he knew you, I don't think he'd say that."

He cuddled a bit more. "Thank you, Kaoru-dono."

"Don't mention," she said. "I liked it, too. You're nice and warm. And you're not the only one scared of the dark, my silly wanderer."

Despite the taunts by the other two men in the dojo, she came over to sleep beside him that evening, as well as the next, and the next. She let him embrace her from behind for the night. That was all he allowed himself to do, for now. There would be a time and place for other things. But right now, he only needed to feel, with his heart and his body, that she was there. That she would always be there.

The evening before the wedding, both exhausted from the final preparations, she placed her futon and blanket beside him as before. But this time, she lay down, and faced him.

"From now on, this is how it shall be. I will always be with you here."

He nodded, and held her hand.

The days of nightmares are over.

……………………………………

Even on that special day, he dressed quickly, as he always did.

"You know, old friend – and you ARE getting old," Sanosuke chided, "you should've let me help you out with these things. The dressing and stuff."

He finished the high knot of his ponytail. "Thank you for the offer, but if I did not do this myself I would get even more nervous, yes?"

"Yeah, I can see that," Sanosuke said, already dressed in a rented Western suit. "You're being more polite than ever!"

He smiled. "Thank you for coming to the wedding. I wish you could have come earlier." Much earlier, like 5 months earlier, he added to himself. Then maybe Kaoru could have been spared some of the pain I put her through.

"Just lucky," his friend answered. "Heard from a friend of a friend. Fortunately I wasn't far from Tokyo when I heard. Hey, I wouldn't miss this kind of thing for the world!"

From the way he was talking to him, evidently Kaoru had not told him anything about the last few months. Sanosuke would have given him a solid punch if he had. But surely…..

"Sano, what did Kaoru-dono tell you about us here, while you were gone?" He had to know.

The tall young man frowned. "If you're asking if jo-chan told me about how dazed you were for a whole summer, then yeah, she told me. Even if she didn't, Yahiko gave me an earful of it the other day." He stood beside Kenshin with his full height, and looked down on him. "Do you realize how CLOSE you were to getting yourself killed?! There were people I know that aren't alive anymore because of those things! And you did that because you worried about her? Are you nuts?"

"Probably," he mumbled.

"You're getting married to that jo-chan today," Sanosuke grabbed him by the front of his kimono. "Promise me you will not make her cry about you again, understand?"

"Of course, Sano," he said, rather flustered.

Only then did Sanosuke release his kimono and push him away. "That's settled. Remember, if I hear that you made her cry, I will pommel you to the ground the next time I come here. Now go on and fix that messy hair of yours. I'll see ya later." He then shut the paper door behind him.

Kenshin was soon as ready as he could be, dressed in a dark kimono and hakama, his hair tied high on his head. He ran into Yahiko, and the boy just gawked at him. "Never thought you could look that good," the boy tsked.

But he went straight on and passed Yahiko. He was getting terribly curious about what his bride looked like. He knew he was not supposed to, at least before the actual ceremony, but he could not help himself. He walked to where he heard female giggling and chattering, in Kaoru's bedroom.

He just wanted to take a peek before the ceremony, he convinced himself. No harm in doing that, surely. So he placed himself alongside the door, and slowly opened it just a crack.

Then someone slid the door fully open, and in he tumbled onto her bedroom floor. The ladies laughed heartily for a while, then all stopped, and stared at him.

"Something wrong with my hair, ladies?" he asked as he stood up.

"Oh, no, nothing wrong," Tae answered for them. "It's just that………….we've never seen you look like that………….." She then waved her hand before her face, to brush aside the ogling stares. "Oh, yes. She's all done. Look all you want."

He could hardly recognize the woman that slept beside him last night. She was dressed in a kimono white as snow, with fine cherry blossoms sewn near the hems and sleeves. Her hair was raised and kept in place by golden pins and small white flowers. The white powder was just enough to accent her smooth cheeks and soften her strong face. The rouge on her cheeks brightened her smile. He knew that most women, when dressed and painted for special occasions, looked like dolls. Kaoru did not look like a doll at all. She looked like an angel, descended on earth, to bless him. He almost bowed before the angel. He was not worthy to be in her presence.

"From the look on his face, I'd say we did a good job," Tae nodded approval, "right, girls?" The girls all nodded in unison.

He could not believe it. This beautiful woman was to be his wife. She was truly his. He had no words for it.

He let his actions speak louder. He offered his hand to her, then the other, as he helped her to stand. He took her by one arm, and walked with her to just outside the main hall of the dojo.

The whispered mumblings just beyond the door told him that everyone was already assembled for the ceremony. They were only waiting for them.

He slowly moved his stare from the closed wooden door, to her blushing face. A few seconds later, she was looking back at him.

"Kaoru."

"Yes?"

"Are you sure we are doing the right thing?"

She smiled. "No."

He actually was relieved that she said that. "I am afraid. For the future, for the present, for us………"

"Yeah, so am I," she answered. "But let's not worry anymore about the fears that aren't ours right now."

Kaoru, being the Kaoru he loved, yet again. She was afraid, but she boldly moved on.

"And from now on," she held his shaking hand, "we'll do it together. We'll face our fears together."

He squeezed her hand, faced forward, and held his head high with a confident smile.

"You and me…………together."

……fin…….

……………………………………

Whew! I'm done! This final chapter kept me sane while answering a long assignment that we have to pass next week.

Thank you to everybody who reviewed, both one-timers and regulars, both the "Please update!" people and the tough critics. You reminded me of this story when I most needed it, and gave me the incentive to finish. You all make me a better writer. I hope to see you all in a story I have brewing, which I hope to release by January or February.

A happy new year to all, may it be a better one for all of us.

EK out.


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